Broken-hearted

Yesterday was rough.
As in, crying off and on throughout the day.
Pretty much every time I talked to someone, the ever-near tears came streaming down my face.

I live at Oasis...a restoration facility for boys with behavioral or drug related issues. This means, the requirement to coming to Oasis is that you have a problem. You have some kind of brokenness in your past whether at the hands of others or by your own choices or, as in most cases, both.

Yesterday, probably due to some exhaustion and some stress, I lost it. I was talking to my friends/coworkers, who live out there full time, about a particular situation which led them to sharing about the boys with whom we live. Sharing some of the scars and baggage and brokenness that they bring to Oasis, along with their own anger-issues or drug-addictions. Most of these boys have experienced abuse whether sexually or physically by the very adults who should have protected and nurtured them.

The greatest issue I have at Oasis is learning how to show love with boundaries. I have learned (am learning) that when I naturally and purely want to give hugs or kisses to the boys, that very often, they, in their brokenness, do not know how to receive that love without sexualizing it. An hug or kiss from me can lead to them believing lies or fantasies about "us."

I was overwhelmed by this yesterday. This boys are so broken that they cannot receive or understand natural motherly, unconditional love. And yes, some of it is from consequences of their own actions, but a lot of it has to do with homes in which they lived and the broken parents that raised them. For them, I grieved. And grieved. I could not stop the tears. How can I, who has no understanding of this kind of life, who had a safe Christ-fearing godly-parents home, be a blessing to these boys who can't comprehend what a pure hug means due to their brokenness? What can I possibly say to them? How does God desire to use me in this ministry when I feel so inadequate?

I was reminded that God may want to use me in their lives to teach them what a healthy family looks like, what a healthy person looks like...without the baggage, without the brokenness...to give them hope and a vision for personal change and how their own family could look one day in the future. Broken people do not need to beget broken people. The cycles of pain that was "normal" in their home, at the hands of their parents or guardians, doesn't need to be the cycle in their home, with their kids. They can be the one who can change and they can be the one who loves well, with the healing power of Jesus! And I can be an image of this. A word of encouragement. A hope aspired. I can show them real love...not manipulative abusive love...but unconditional Christ-powered love. Yes, with boundaries, but I can still show love. He who is mighty is able to heal and restore the broken-hearted and for this season of our lives, I get to be a part of their healing.

After a sound sleep, this morning, at breakfast, I announced to the boys that I had good news for them. When I had their attention, I said, "The mercies of God are new every morning and His love never has an end." I needed to hear that. They needed to hear that. I'll start with this promise and trust God to continue teaching and using me in the days that follow in the lives of these beloved boys.

bittersweet.

He leaves today. After months of training and instruction. Changed. Strong. Healthy. A leader. Proven and trusted. Ready and excited. Ready to once again be a son, brother and friend. Ready to resume his education. Wanting to thrive. I thank God for this young man and feel overwhelmed with pride and joy.

I send him out. With hugs, prayers, a note, and with reminders of my love. I urge him to come back for a visit. Knowing that my arms will want to hug him. My eyes will want to see his face. My heart will want to hear him. But while his leaving is good, and after all, the goal of the program, I find my heart breaking.

Treasures

There's a Bible verse I have thought of a couple times while being here in Mexico:

"But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart" Luke 2:19

This verse occurs after Jesus' birth and a crowd of shepherds came, almost as if drawn in by magnets, to see and worship this new baby. They also shared about the choir of angels that told them of Jesus' birth.

I have thought of this particular verse because there have been a few key moments where I have fully understood this verse. Like today. And yet, there is a part of me that fears I will forget the treasures. I have such a poor memory. Details get fuzzy and then my stories become long as I try to figure them out while talking. It can be quite humorous.

But today, this sweet boy asked me if he can call me Mama.

Even hours later, I want to weep. Weep because I'm so touched that he asked and that he wants to call me Mama and that he is offering his love to me. Weep because my heart has longed to be a Mama forever, and now there is a child who wants to call me (ME!!) that.

But I also want to weep because I know that he has recently been rejected by his own mama, and I DO NOT understand how a mama can do that. How can a mama tell her son that she doesn't want to see him ever again...that he can live at the Oasis Boy's Home until he's 18 (4 more years) and then be left to fend for himself? What happened to cause this sadness? I have no answers...all I can do is pray for healing within this family.

But in the meanwhile, I want to treasure the gift that I was blessed with today. I wanted to write down this gift so that the details don't become blurry or forgotten altogether.

The ebb and flow of emotions

The ebb and flow of emotions is a funny thing, isn't it?

One day or even one moment, you're completely fine and content
and the next day or moment, you're struggling with sadness, pain, grief, confusion, frustration.

I am mostly fine, content, trusting in my singleness
I am mostly able to celebrate with other's joys of marriage and babies, without hesitation
And I am so grateful for that.

However, at some point today, and I can't even define when it happened
Sadness and grief flooded my heart for the story I desire but isn't yet mine.
This too shall pass, and I'm grateful for that.

In the meanwhile, I am grateful that I can trust God
with my longings, with my emotions, with my prayers.

And one day or maybe even later today, I'll be content again.

Pain and Joy

A couple days ago, I mentioned that I want to be able to cry with those who are crying and laugh with those who are laughing.

I've always had a sensitive nature...maybe it's due to being a middle child. However, there came a day, in high school I believe, when I noticed that my sensitivity towards others had increased. How did I discover this? Humorously, it was in watching a Kodak commercial...one of those special Kodak moments...and I got teary-eyed. Then, in the days when you could still walk to the gates in airports, I'd get teary-eyed watching people say good-bye or welcoming home those they love.

God softened my heart, making me not only sensitive for the sake of being sensitive but sensitive so that I can minister to others.

Initially, I was pleased that God was developing this side of me. But with increased sensitivity to others, I began to realise that God was giving me a small glimpse into His heart. However much my heart aches, His aches abundantly more! However much my heart rejoices, His joy is abundantly more! This realization humbled me...that God would entrust me to feel/see a small glimpse of His heart.

I hugged a friend last night who has been on my heart for the last few weeks, even more so this past week. I asked if she was okay and she said that she is hanging in there but that there have been things that have surfaced this past week. She didn't elaborate and I didn't ask. Wasn't the time or place. But that brief interaction brought pain to my heart and tears to my eyes for the rest of the night. I don't know all that she is going through but God has allowed me to share her pain, to a small degree.

I still want to be able to cry or laugh with others. To share with and minister to them. But what I am realizing is that the more my heart breaks, the harder it becomes for me. I share in those emotions and can't just push them aside once I leave a person. And so, I pray and beseech God and look for His involvement.

I know most of this post is focused on pain. Sharing with others' joys is a wonderful blessing to me and something that happens often too. But despite my desire to be used by God, my self-preservation wants me to pull back because the pain can feel too much at times.

However, I am confident that if God desires me to minister to others through tears or laughters, He will continue to equip me to shoulder those pains and joys. And maybe, just maybe, God is simply trying to develop me into a person of prayer.

Bruises, Blessings & Busyness

Have I ever written about the two years I spent in Germany? If I have, it was probably in regards to my kids there or my travels and nothing more. I worked at a boarding school. My role was to take care of the kids while they attended the school...I did all the things that parents would for their kids: cook, clean, help them with homework, tuck them in at night, drive them to school, play, discipline, and love them! I loved my ministry. It was the best job I've ever had thus far! It was also the hardest two years of my life.

I'm not going to get into details. But I came home from my two years feeling quite bruised. My church dropped the ball in receiving me home and so, besides my immediate family, I felt I had nobody and became emotionally withdrawn.

I've been home from Germany for 4 years now and I feel that over the last year and half, life has been breathed into me once again. It has been a lot harder to "re-open" myself up than it was to withdrawl. The process of "re-opening" myself has made me feel more emotionally spastic.

Anyhow, this past week at my church was mission's week. One of our guest missionaries was the dad of one of my Germany kids. It was wonderful to see him again and to catch up with his family. What I did not expect was last night.

Last night, I was hanging out with my friends, Brian and Erin, and Mark, the missionary. At one point during the night, Mark looked at me and said he had a big question for me. He proceeded to ask me to talk about my two years in Germany and asking specific questions about how I felt about this or how I reacted to that. **inhale, exhale** I talked and talked and talked. He listened, encouraged, and breathed a blessing over me.

I went home (and woke up this morning) thinking over and over how much of a blessing that was to me. It is one thing to share the bruises with those who didn't see that part of my life but it is another thing to share with someone who understands. I am still basking in the unexpected blessing. But having talked/relived those experiences has also left my heart feeling bruised again.

I expect those bruises will always be imprinted on my heart, to some degree.

One message I have been hearing this week, both from the missionaries and from God, is that God has a plan for me. I have a phone call scheduled with the a key person next Friday, the 12th. My last couple conversations didn't go so well, in my opinion, so I want to make sure that I am ready. I want to spend some time early next week, thinking through who I am, how God has made and equipped me, and what I can offer in ministry. I have some work to do. But first I need to get through this busy homework week...no rest for the weary...at least not until Saturday, the last day of class.

**Today starts my February challenge: walking or running 4 times a week. I did really good with January's challenge except for this past weekend. I forgot to take home my water bottle and just didn't drink enough water.

A Called Life and Broken Heart

Haiti.

My heart is broken for the people of Haiti.

Everytime a natural disaster happens, my heart longs to go to those areas and help. I'm probably not trained enough...no medical experience/education, not strong enough for manual labor type things such as removing debris...but I could offer blankets, food, water. I could sit and cry with them. I could pray over them and hold their hands. And for all those things, I want to go.

But life has me here.

Not to make this all about me but if I could choose the ideal ministry for me, I would hop from country to country, with each natural disaster. I would want to help in their survival and in the rebuilding of their lives. And then move on when the next disaster hits somewhere else. It would be an incredibly hard emotional job...but it stems from the compassion that God has given me. Does such a job exist for someone like me? For this job, I would be willing to sell all of my possesion and live out a suitcase to be the hands and feet of Christ.

But Christ has me here.

And so, I pray endlessly. And I give. And I trust that joy will come in the morning for the people of Haiti.

Soaking with God

So yesterday was somewhat icky
By 8pm I felt the need to be washed clean
So I took a bath
Something I rarely to
I lit some Eucalyptus candles
I pour in some Eucalyptus Mint bath bubbles
And wallowed in shame
With questions rolling around my head

At one point I murmured to God that I needed help
And what should happen
But my neighbor upstairs
Started belting out some Italian song
I started giggling
And thanked the Lord for the distraction

Thank goodness God meets me where I'm at.

Mood Swings

I am in the mood to play in the kitchen. I want to try new recipes, desserts and entrees.
I am not in the mood to work on homework. PTL I only have about 1 week left.

I am in the mood to start exercising again.
I am not in the mood to endure...I have never reached the point where exercising is enjoyable...if there is such a point.

I am in the mood to become more active in my church.
I am not in the mood to over-extend myself, which is a good thing.

I am in the mood to play with my cameras.
I am not in the mood to get my newest camera cleaned and fixed.

I am in the mood to actively save more money, which is needed.
I am not in the mood to stop spending money, which is bad.

I am in the mood to clean my apartment...throw away junk and minimize.
I am not usually in the mood to do anything about it.

I am in the mood to read some books...I have about 20 books that have been waiting...beckoning me...enticing me with their stories, words and wisdom!
I am in the mood for coffee dates with friends or dinner parties or walks...soon!
I am in the mood to celebrate my friends new babies.
I am in the mood to visit my grandparents but that might have to wait until November.

Moods are funny things. They are quite dependent on energy levels and emotions. My current class is about making decisions using data. Although I appreciate that I am an emotional person by nature, I sure would like to be more data-minded and driven. I worked with two people once who told me that they were like steam-rollers...never slowing down, endless energy, which was true! I am not that type of person. However, because of school, I have allowed myself to become quite low energy. My life needs a power-surge...I think I'll use the list above to set goals for myself this summer!

Brokenhearted

This weekend I watched two movies on TV, both of which broke my heart. The first was "Little House on the Praire", a new three-part feature closely related to the books, and the second was "The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler."

It was mankind's actions that lead me to tears in both movies. With "Little House," the white man drove the Indians from their land. Laura aked her parents where the Indians would go to which they replied, "out west." Her response was essentially, "if the white man keeps going west, where will the Indians go then?" Our government's fear and actions lead to a great disservice to the various Indian nations, changing their culture by forcing them onto reservations, and not supporting them as we should have. Our past actions have consequently led to the troubles that Indians are still having today. Sure, we throw thousands of dollars into college scholarships if you can prove to be a Native American, and I'm sure there are many other ways we help, but is it good enough. Honestly, I haven't done enough research to call a spade a spade here but our country's history breaks my heart. With "Irena Sendler," the movie is about a Polish woman who saves over 2500 Jewish children from the Gestapo, during WWII. A beautiful story about sacrifice and heroism but the death of so many people made me cry.

We, as a human race, are capable of great evil and destruction. How that must grieve God, the Creator and Author of each person! And even though my life is so different than the "white man" or the "gestapo," I can't help but think that I may be more like them than I'd like. May God help me to be courageous in the face of evil and convicted enough to help when and however possible!

Perspective

So, one of the ministries I am currently involved in is the AWANA program at my church. This is the first year I have been involved with AWANA since my days of being in the program. I did AWANA from kindergarten through sixth grade. When I was done, I thought, "I'll never do AWANA again."

So what changed?

Last summer I was feeling a great burden to get involved in ministry. I felt that my relationship with God was on stand-still, having absorbed lesson and Bible Studies to the gills but not sharing anything through ministry. So I prayed that God would give me a ministry and He gave me AWANA, which I acceptd nervously.

Oh-how-I-am-loving-AWANA!

I tell you, I have so much fun with those girlies! I only wish I had more time to spend with them. Furthermore, I wish I wasn't so busy with school that I could work through books with them...how cool would it be for me to say my sections to them! Anyhow, I have a relatively small group of girls, ranging from 4-6th grade. I love listening to verses they have memorized and encouraging them to do so. I love cheering them on in the games. I love watching them listen to the leader at council time, hearing truths of God.

Whenever I leave, no matter how I feel upon arriving, I always ALWAYS leave happy!

Holiday Needed

Working with some people can be rather difficult. Its the personality differences that can be like a pebble in the shoe. Little things are made into big things or negative things. When you work on a smaller team, those differences are noticed even faster...this has been confirmed to me at a few different places I've worked.

Regardless if the person has a relationship with God or not, I try to be a kind, gracious person who shows the love of Christ. Usually I can handle the complaints well, trying to show a positive spin on the negative perspectives or graciously listen to what is said. However I am not perfect and usually after a cyclical amount of time, I get to a "breaking point." I get to the point where I feel snappy, short-fused, and desperate for coffee breaks away from anyone. At these moments, I know I need a vacation or at least a weekend. Two days away from normality for me to refresh and rest so that I can be a better person upon my return.

The song below reminds me to love. It also reminds me that "loving me the way I am" is no small thing either...I too am far from perfect.

"Loving a person just the way they are
it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change
sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it"

By Sara Groves and Gordon Kennedy

A Little Bit of Grace

Yesterday and today have found me extremely frustrated at work. I seem to have a handful of "emergency" situations and find myself with my hands tied, so to speak, by waiting on others to return emails and phone calls. I work in the food industry, which has been a good job but is definitely not where I am called long-term. So, in the midst of my frustration, I keep thinking, "If only I was in ministry...and not here." As if by being in a different job, the job I'm heading towards, I'd be free of frustrations or would be better able to handle them.

It dawned on my just a moment ago that I am called here to the food industry. God has me in this job for His timing and purpose. Yes, this may not be a life-changing eternal-impacting type of job but I am here nonetheless and have the opportunity to touch many people lives by the way I interact with them.

I just need to show others a bit of grace, understanding that I don't know what is going on at their work and they need support, not condemnation or judgment. God has shown me oodles of grace that I did not deserve, even now when I'm slightly cranky.

Little Bits of Goodness

This weekend found me moody, sad, and tired (both sleepy tired and emotional tired). Saturday was the birthday of a dear friend of mine who died 6 months ago. Plus I joined a Bible Study group that now meets every Saturday morning at 9 am, which isn't super early but Saturday is really my only day to sleep in and not set my alarm clock. Plus, I was gone all day yesterday to do various activities. I'm a person who re-energizes by having quiet time at home...which really didn't happen this weekend.

Anyhow, at church on Sunday, I was moaning of my sorrowful state to a couple friends, who kindly sympathized with me. But something surprisingly happened after that...my mood lifted and I ended up enjoying my Sunday afternoon, which I wasn't expecting to enjoy. My sister had planned a game party with a few friends and it ended up being fun, lighthearted, and chance to laugh. One cannot stay moody, sad, and tired when laughing with friends!