The stupid topic of contentment

So, the ladies' ministry at my church is doing this new thing, this year, offering 4 extra "classes" on various discipleship topics. The first was Silence and Solitude. The second was Scripture Memorization and Meditation. And this past Saturday was Contentment.

Although I went to the first two classes, I had no desire to go to this class and would have probably skipped altogether if the lady in charge didn't contact me to see if I would make the coffee for this gathering. I said yes (because I had nothing better to do, really) and went, knowing that this topic was probably something I needed to hear but didn't want to hear. Anyone with me on this?

(**Side note: It's snowing right now and there's a huge smile on my face and joy in my heart! If only it would stick...**)

Because you see, back on Valentine's Day, not even a month ago, I wrote about being content in my singleness. And while I am still (more often than not, at the current time) content at being single, the one area I am NOT content is my job and the direction of my future; because I'm ready to leave my current job and have no earthly idea what is next in my life.

No earthly idea.

In fact, just yesterday, I was chatting with a woman at church and told her "if you hear of anything, let me know..." to which she naturally replied, "well, what are you looking for?"   Umm...yeah...I have no clue.

I didn't leave the class full of employment-contentment but as expected, I did leave convicted and challenged. The Lord, the same One who has called me and who has led me to this job in the first place, rebuked me regarding my attitude toward the job and various elements that frustrate me. His calling has me here, for this time, for His reasons. One very good reason would be to be a Christian example of integrity and love to my two non-Christian coworkers! And yet, last week, I was two steps away from chewing someone out in a very ugly way (see last post).

It occurred to me in the last week that I should pray for "my enemies" (aka the people who frustrate me) and I figured that God probably wouldn't change them as much as He would want to change me, since that's now He normally works.

So yeah...that's where I'm at. Back at work.
Trying to humble myself to God's will.
Trying to allow God's presence to shine through me.
Trying to love.
Trying to be diligent with the gift (job) God has given me.
Trying to allow for contentment to grow.

choosing to be thankful

good night sleep
starbucks and my NF Vanilla Latte
a paying job
people who make me laugh
having a good book to read
having more books on the way
pfefferminz Ritter Sport
anticipation of seeing friends
trying out a new recipe: Chicken Stroganoff
Monk episodes
music by Sara Groves, that points me to Jesus
my cute pink shoes
warm cup of coffee
being encouraged or entertained by others' blogs
that I can be connected to others through prayer
the comfy fallish morning
the anticipation of afternoon sun and warmth
opportunities to serve in ministries
knowing that God sees where I'm going, even if I don't

Sweet Speech

Who I am:
I am a fairly optimistic person...a glass-half-full type of gal. I tend to believe the best of people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, time after time. I am also more introverted than extroverted although I love spending time with people...what this usually means is that I am the listener and the entertained, by the things others say. Sure, I can be witty, entertaining, and talkative...but I naturally tend to absorb more than I tend to expend.

What this means:
This means that I listen to others. A lot. This also means that I am more of a peace-keeping type of person and often am given counselor or advisory type roles. I tend to show compassion and understanding even if I also understand the other side of the story too. There is a confrontational side of me (in addition to the counselor side of me)...this is the side that will offer suggestions of how to fix the problem, will offer the other side of the story and will, rarely though it may be, tell some one that its time to move past the problem.

How this affects me:
Because I am often the listener, I hear a lot of words...and not always welcomed words. Because I am often a counselor/consoler, people want to hear feedback from me. What I have learned in my lifetime thus far is just how important words are. Negative words, cruel words, bitter words...these are all like poison...quick to hit the target and spread their pain. Remarkably, they hurt not only the person who receives them but also the person who speaks them. Sweet words, positive words, and charming words...these are like life...they have the ability to breathe life and encouragement to people and can propel others to do good. And again, they have an equally good effect on the speaker as well as the receiver.

I want to be more than just someone who is good at listening and consoling.
I want to be a speaker of sweet words.
I want to look continually for the good in all things, in all people and to encourage others to do likewise.

Maybe that's why God has given me the last 5 years...
Time to practice.

Cloudy with a chance of mood swings...

Now the Spirit of the LORD had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD tormented him...Whenever the spirit from God came upon Saul, David would take his harp and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him. I Samuel 16:14, 23

I remember reading this as a child and teen wondering how the Lord would/could send an evil spirit. I still don't have an answer but I do feel like I understand these verses a bit more.

Lately, I've been having days where I wake up and I am just as fine as can be. Then a couple hours later, I find that a sour mood has quickly settled on my mind and heart, tainting everything about me...my outlook, my thoughts, my relationships, etc. I become crabby Mindy or irritated Mindy or even angry Mindy. I hate it...I hate being like this!

When these moods strike, I often will stream music through my computer...either Delirious or the local Christian station. I figure that even if only one or two songs get to my heart and mind, then I will be that much better for it.

I could blame these moods on the long (very long) stretch of grey skies, cool temperature and constant rain or a dozen other things...but I know better. My heart and mind are not being daily anchored into the Spirit of God.


You see, I'm not that different than King Saul. I need the Spirit of God to be present in my life for there to be any good in me. If the Spirit of God isn't present then my selfish, prideful heart turns sour. I don't want my life to end up like Saul's, chasing one battle after the next out of self-preservation.  I'd rather be like Exodus 14:14; The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still! That kind of stillness comes from a place of contentment, trust and wisdom.

Prayer Retreat

For 24 hours on Friday/Saturday, I was tucked away in this beautiful house seated next to the Pacific Ocean, with 16 other ladies. The program started at 5:30pm with dinner and then developed from there.

The highlight on Friday is that we walked down to this circular cement bunker and worshipped God through songs and prayers. The shape of the bunker amplified the sounds so even though there were only 17 of us, there was a full sound and you could hear all the harmonizing...truly beautiful! I would have loved to have stayed down there for another couple hours. Singing is one way I connect and feel closest to God.

On Saturday, we started off with 5 hours of quiet time. My sister and her team put together multiple stations to guide our thoughts and prayers, if need be. However, we were all encouraged to spend the time with God, in whatever way we wanted, as long as we were silent. It was good.

Going into this weekend, I wrote a note to God in my journal, telling Him that I really want to hear from Him in regards to two areas of my life: career/ministry and marriage. I would be happy with a word from Him in regards to either area or both. And here's what He gave me:

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them. Isaiah 42:16
 
Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. Jeremiah 29:7

My greatest frustration is that I feel clueless about the direction of my life. I anticipate being done with my Master's degree in December but am no closer to understanding what type of ministry He wants me in or where He wants me to serve. As for marriage, well...God is even quieter in regards to this. Looking forward, I feel blind and direction-less. Looking back, I see God's faithfulness and His hand throughout my entire life's history.

And while I'm not exactly in exile, the latter verse is a good reminder that God has put me where I am and I should thrive there. I should pray for my coworkers and for opportunities to serve the community. God wants to use me to bless others!

So, God didn't exactly speak to career/ministry or marriage but I did walk away from that time feeling encouraged to trust Him and to remain available to be used. All in all, a good reminder!

Because I need this...

Reasons I like my job or am thankful for my job:

• I can take off for doctor appts without any problem
• My boss sometimes treats us to Starbucks
• I get to listen to music while I'm working
• It pays for my expenses and schooling
• I have made friends with a handful of people who make me laugh
• We go out to eat for birthday lunches
• I get lots of encouragement and thankfulness that I am here
• I get coffee every day at work
• If we need something my boss is willing to listen and help
• It's close to my house...only about 20 minutes away
• I can walk in a grocery store and see things that I had a small part of
• Consistent hours, M-F, 8am-5pm
• Weekends off
• My boss lets us leave early on Fridays
• We have friendly (and good looking) UPS drivers
• I can get free samples of a variety of ingredients, if I want
• There are chocolate samples at work, which I raid periodically
• It's not the worst job I've ever had or could have
• I can wear casual clothes and walk around without shoes
• I can cook/bake things and bring them in to help them get eaten
• It allows me to maintain my blog...should I be admitting that???
• and finally, my boss brought doughnuts into work today

Just what I needed to hear, but didn't want to hear

One of the blogs I frequent regularly is Anne Jackson, author of Mad Church Disease. She's around my age and a talented writer/blogger. Her post today is worth me printing and posting all over my stinkin house, desk, car, etc.

http://flowerdust.net/2010/03/18/i-thought-it-was-love-but-i-may-have-been-wrong/

Clean Hands and Pure Hearts

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise--Proverbs 10:19

Today, my friends and I are having coffee with the two missionaries visiting our church. I'm not really sure what we will talk about. The missionaries that come through like to touch base with us candidates, to keep us encouraged, provide direction, and open up their corners of the world to us. And I gladly receive! These times are such a blessing. Last year, I think I was on an encouragement high for a week.

He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity--Proverbs 21:23

And yet, today I am a bit nervous. Since last year, things have happened. Occasionally we are bogged down with discouragement or frustration. I really don't want this time to become a slander/complaining/whining/exhausting conversation between the five of us. I think it is okay and probably good to talk about some elements of frustrations but I don't want it to be the sole focus of our coffee time. Above all, I want to have clean hands and a pure heart at the end of our time together instead of wondering if I should have kept my mouth shut. I hate that feeling. It leaves me feeling yucky and causes even more worry and frustration. Instead, I want wisdom and joy to be breathed between us all. May it be so.



The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just--Psalm 37:30

Random Thoughts on Work

**This post is not meant to be whiny, ungrateful or impatient. I am not even venting...these are just thoughts on work as it stands today and my calling on life. There is a longing in this post but it is grounded on the thought that God is doing a work in me. Just thought I should make this disclaimer! :)

I have been so bored at work since last Wednesday...not enough work coming across my desk. I have worked on the "problems tasks" that I previously ignored, for such a time as this. I have even started the Christmas letter project (a task that I have kind of taken over since working here) just to give myself something to do.

Beyond this past week though, I'm just bored of this job. This job doesn't excite me or use my strengths. I sit at the computer 40 hours a week. I do have good moments when I'm interacting and building relationships with customers but in general, it is pretty apparent that this is not where my heart is. That being said, I am thankful for this job...it is a good job, with a good boss, and fun little perks (the occasional Starbuck's drink, occasionally leaving early, etc...). Plus, it pays the bills and is allowing me to work on my Master's degree.

Anyhow, I've been mewing over "job satisfaction" lately, wondering if it is overrated and more of a generational issue. My grandpa worked 60-80 hours a week at a steel mill to provide for his family. He was diligent and hard-working up until he retired years later. My dad worked 40-80 hours a week at Boeing for 30+ years, in a very stressful situation. He groaned and moaned but was diligent and hard-working to provide for his family. We knew he was unhappy with his job but there was never a question of looking for a new job that pleased him or matched his gifts, for either my dad or grandpa. They just did want needed to be done. I know if I were the sole provider for a family such as my dad and grandpa were, I'd take any job offered to me that would support my family, regardless of likes/dislikes...at least, I think I would.

I know that there have been studies done to show that people who are matched with a job that uses their skills and strengths, are generally more happy and satisfied and are more invested in the company/organization. So there are definite perks to having a job that you enjoy. But when does this need for job satisfaction become all about my wants/desires or just not being content with where you are and with what you have? Moreover, how does one remain content when you are clearly in a job that doesn't suit you? I know it's about finding joy in all circumstances or letting the joy of the Lord be my strength but that's not always easy, especially when you have too much time on your hands.

I think part of the "problem" is that I know what I've been called to do...to be in ministry and be a part of God's mission to share the gospel...and I'm not there. I know this job is temporary...a holding period in my life but I feel like I'm a circle and this job is a square hole...or I'm the square peg in a round hole...however it goes! I have wandered around on the internet to see what ministry jobs are presently out there...but I'm not even sure what I'm looking for at this point...really, I'm just trying to use up working time since its been oh-so-quiet.

Anyhow, thanks for letting me roll this around in my head a bit and keep up the good work!

Puddle of Thoughts

I'm not sure what to write about because there are so many tidbits that are sitting in my brain, that I have been brewing over.

One of my friends can be very unsympathetic to me when I am expressing frustrations. Her unsympathy usually just adds to my frustration, which makes me wonder why I share "concerns" with her at all. But after such an incident this weekend, I pulled back from the situation and started analyzing the friendship. Would I really prefer a friend who only listens compassionately and lets me wallow in my frustrations or am I better for having a friend who won't let me wallow in my problems? You see, despite her unsympathetic comments this weekend, she got me thinking about my expectations and the perspective I was bringing to this particular situation. I realized that I need to be approaching my situation with a different mind-frame from the beginning in order to be productive and to limit my frustrations. So all in all, is my unsympathetic friend just what I need...someone who won't let me get away with pity parties? I decided that ultimately both compassion and bluntness need to work together as to build up individuals instead of creating an environment of discouragement or victim-minded individuals.

I am now working with my church's youth group...have I mentioned it before? In October I will be teaching Sunday School twice, who is going through the Old Testament this school year. The first lesson will be on The Law and The Tabernacle and the second lesson is on the book of Numbers. I am so excited about these lessons, especially the former. I love studying about the Law and Tabernacle and seeing the correlations between them and the New Testament, or between them and our relationship with God. Super cool...God created everything to speak of salvation and love for His people. I think if I ever became a Bible teacher/professor, I would want to only teach on the Old Testament.

I've started a new Bible Study...No Other God by Kelly Minter. It's a study on idols. I think my biggest idol is self-gratification...the thought that I deserve whatever I want, whenever I want it. This mindframe affects my wallet (because I never have enough money), my eating (extra weight from the extra brownie or four), and my relationships (a 'what's in it for me' attitude). So during this study, which will take me into mid-December, I'm going to be focusing on this idol. I don't want to be controlled by my desires but to have my desires controlled by me.

Well, I think that will do it for today. It's a beautiful crisp fall day so I'll celebrate by having another cup of coffee!

Time is Tickin' Away

The clock is winding down....

...less than three weeks until my 30th birthday...eek!

...less than three weeks until my class needs to be finished...sigh!

...exactly three weeks until I leave for Germany/Holland...hurray!

Busy times...busy times.

Preparation?

I'm a person who believes in connections. The lessons I am learning today will be used tomorrow-type of thinking. This is not to say that the point of the lessons isn't needed or valuable in that moment, because they are! However, God uses aspects of our live to possibly prepare us for something more.

I think this all coincides with the Bible verse that says God won't give us more than we can handle (Mindy's paraphrased version). He knows when we are ready for lessons and allows us to "suffer," "struggle," and "grow" and we survive. But those growing pains allow us to be able to handle more during the next lesson. Without phase 1, we'd never be able to handle phase 2. Anyhow, that's how I tend to think...
...which begs the question...

Just what is God preparing me for?

For the first 21 years of my life, I was someone who had no problems getting along or liking other people. For the last 8 years, people have entered my life, who have "rubbed me the wrong way." Have I changed...am I more opinionated and less agreeable? Probably...but I like to think that God is using these people to purify and perfect me. These handful of people are the sand in my oyster shell, the grindstone to sharpen the knife, the pea to reveal the princess!

Okay, so the last one is a stretch but you get the point. I'm being prepared...these people are a part of my process to become the person that God wants me to be. I believe that! But if He preparing to work with "more difficult" people then oh-my-goodness...can I get a raincheck on that?

Miracles

Ever been around a pessimistic person? My whole life...thank you very much! Half of my immediate family views life from a glass half empty perspective and the other half of us see things more full. At times our various points of view are just funny. At times it is overwhelming and I get so tired of hearing the complaints or negative thoughts. When I am around consistently pessimistic people, I try to carefully monitor my thoughts and comments because I want to be a good example.

When I don't monitor my thoughts, I can see myself becoming a bit snarky...is that a word? I start to snap, become judgmental, think myself better than others, and very irritable.

I've been casually thinking about miracles over the last couple days since I'm going to lead a little devotional on miracles next Wednesday. It has dawned on me that who I am today is probably the greatest miracle God has given me. The fact that I am a person who can recognize my snarky inclinations, ask God to replace them with love and goodness, and then live in and through those characteristics instead, is a miracle indeed! The fact that I can choose how I feel and am sensitive to any attitudinal or actual changes that God may be asking of me, is also a miracle. The fact that God even wants to use me when the core of me is not pretty or nice, is the greatest miracle. Jesus loves even me!

Attitude

walt emerson said,
"what lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny compared to what lies within us"

every once and a while it is worthwhile to reflect into what is it that lies within us...within me.
i know i want it to be joy, peace, compassion, humility, and love that is at the core of my being, but is that the case?

sometimes i trip or resist or fight those qualities and reflect selfishness, pride, insensitivity and discontentment...but i don't want those to define or shape me.

i want to be always changing to become a better person...a better version of who i am...a person who reflects the righteousness of GOD. it is he is who lies within me...he is who can make me a better person.

Fired

I work for a food brokerage company. This means we are paid by certain companies who supply ingredients to perform a service for them, which involves submitting orders, trying to find new customers, filter complaints, and get paperwork. It's an interesting job...didn't know this type of job existed before I walked in the door.

Anyhow, our company got fired yesterday by one supplier that I work closely with. "It wasn't personal," they are firing a few of their brokers. Part of the reason might just be that with this economy, companies are trying find ways to maximize profits or it could just be bureaucratic leadership at its best.

Yesterday I was surprised but today I'm struggling with my anger. It's nobody's fault here and honestly I can't blame the supplier. I think I am more hurt than anything...there's nothing that can be done...I just need to adjust my attitude.