Tuesday, September 27

Lean not on what makes sense...part 2

**In case you haven't read the first part...go here!**

So I chose a school and program. Applied and got accepted. Started making plans to move across the country. Told everyone what God had in store for me next. Until...

five weeks ago!

About five weeks ago, I started to feel a "pause"...I keep using the word "pause" because at no point yet have I heard a clear "NO"...just more an unsettled question mark that school is where I am supposed to go. So I began praying that if this is God telling me "NO" that I would have the ears to hear.

So I began to consider...if I don't do school, is ministry next for me?

At the beginning of the year, knowing my graduation was in sight, I started looking at various ministries. I applied to a non-profit organization in Ohio, that works with girls pull from trafficking. I applied to a non-profit ministry in Maryland, that works with pregnant girls. I considered missions especially as my friends were called and left for ministry in Mexico, with pleas for me to follow. But nothing came of those ministries. Nothing happened until June.

In the meanwhile, I considered continuing school and made the decision to apply.

But in June, the trafficking ministry in Ohio emailed me to say that they had one position left to fill and my application is next...am I still interested? However, I said "no" in light of the fact that I had recently chosen to continue education. And so that door closed.

Every so often I would reflect how perfect it had sounded for my personality.

You see, I still hold to the thought that my job in Germany was perfect for me. What was it that I liked so much? The care-taking, the nurturing, the living together and speaking into "my kids" lives more than just once or twice a week, like a youth pastor. Truth be told, all I've ever wanted, my entire life, is to be a wife and mom. I've realized that I don't necessarily need to be a mom to my own kids but find joy in the idea of being a mom to any kid. And both the Ohio and Maryland jobs offer those care-taking, nurturing elements.

But as I mentioned, in June I said no to Ohio.

However, with the "pause" over continuing education, dare I hope that Ohio could actually still have an opening these couple months later? So I emailed the director...

Saturday, September 24

Lean not on what makes sense...part 1

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.

Back in May, my current pastor came out to candidate, at my church, and preached on Proverbs 3:5-6. A very familiar passage...one that I've had memorized for years and years, and have heard many sermons on. A favorite verse of many that I thought was good but definitely not my favorite (**side note: I have a weird aversion towards things that are wildly popular...like this verse or Jeremiah 29:11 or the song Amazing Grace...they are all good but over-adored by Christians, which I know is a ridiculous thought process.) So when this pastor starts in, I settle in for the sermon I could (naively) preach without preparation. But it ended up being the very thing what I needed to hear that Sunday in May.

As you devoted (despite my infrequency) longer-time (as in the last 3-6 months) readers/friends know, I have been waffling in what comes next my life.

Call to ministry...check!
Bachelor's degree and overseas experience...check! check!
Stable job...check!
Master's degree...check!
Deciding what to do next...check?

Do I move into ministry? Do I do more schooling? Do I pursue mission? Do I wait for a divine neon sign to tell me what to do and where to go?

My mentor friend loaned me a book by Erwin McManus, called Chasing Daylight. To summarize it, Erwin argues that there are some things you don't need to ask God for permission to do...you have already been called. You have already been anointed or chosen or equipped to do things...so do them! Just be willing to stop if God tells you to stop!

With this mentality, along with that May sermon to not put all my faith in what necessarily makes sense, I chose more school.

Can I do this? Yes!
Will I enjoy this? Yes!
Can I be successful at this? Yes!
Did God create this studious nature within me? Yes!
So should I be a student again? Yes?

So I chose a school and program. Applied and got accepted. Started making plans to move across the country. Told everyone what God had in store for me next. Until...

Friday, September 16

Hark! The weekend is nigh!

The last two weeks or so, I've been running on "tired."

Despite being tired, I've distracted myself with books, keeping myself reading night after night, until 10pm, 10:30pm, or 11pm. (10:30pm is the usual time when I turn the lights off on a normal weekday.) So I haven't allowed myself to get extra sleep, even though I've known I've needed it.

Then the weekends are usually my "catching up" days but those have been fully loaded from early morning to late at night. It's rather humorous how busy my schedule has been...not that I'm complaining. I've chosen this busy schedule and have been able to do a number of fun things, over the past months' weekends, such as go to the fair and rodeo, do a day hike on Mount Rainier, early morning phone chats, church campouts, dinner with friends, etc...

But tomorrow is mostly empty of plans.  (It was completely empty until today...I just scheduled an interview at 11am, which still means sleeping in and a leisurely time of waking up. I'll probably even have my interview in my pajamas! Gotta love that!) I am so excited to have a (mostly) open day...a day of rest...a Sabbath day, for me and the Lord. I hope this day is one of those nice looooong days where times ticks by slowly!

**Okay, who just thought of The Princess Bride when reading that last paragraph. "It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead" (Miracle Max). Or is it just me who thought of that? :)

Anyhow, I hope the weekend ahead of you, regardless if it is full or empty of plans, brings refreshment and laughter and is full of the presence of God.

Tuesday, September 13

Psalm 19: Creation in worship

The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of his hands

Day after day they pour forth speech;
night after night they reveal knowledge.

They have no speech, they use no words;
no sound is heard from them.

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
their words to the ends of the world.

Over the last couple weeks, I've wondered what the declarations of creation sounds like in God's ears. What kind of melody is He listening to? How do the breezes, the birds, and the radiance of nature translate into a God-honoring worship? And what I really want to know is when I get to Heaven, will God let me hear some of creation's worship songs?

Wednesday, September 7


Whenever someone faces a choice, they are usually encouraged to makes lists of PROS and CONS.
The idea is that whichever list has more PROS, choose that! or the hope is that when listing the PROS and CONS, the individual is enlightened to what they truly want. At least that is how it seems to go in tv shows or movies.

But for me...it's an endless cycle of not knowing what to do.
Both options have multiple pros and both options have cons.
In fact, at this point in time, the option I previously didn't choose, is the one that makes more sense whereas the option I did choose, has more cons. Hmm.

But cons don't make that decision wrong. They just make it uncomfortable.
I had peace about my decision until the last week.
Now, I've re-entered a time of praying and much thinking.
It's a bit frustrating and plus the decision formerly made is now demanding me to move forward accordingly.

And I feel like a stalled car sitting at a crossroads.
I've been here before. Made a turn.
Only to find out that if want to change my mind, there's a "u-turn" option ahead.
Nuts! I suppose life is often like that, only this time that "u-turn" option has really give me a pause.

So while I sort this out...here's a little old school DC Talk...

Tuesday, September 6

Sept 1 to Sept 9

These days.
Laying on a beach
Drinking coffee
Taking pictures
Working (repeat)
Drinking coffee (repeat)
Thinking (repeat)
Praying (repeat)
Grocery shopping
Sleeping, oh yes, sleeping

Thursday, September 1



...For where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried...

I just have to find you first.


**Quote taken from Ruth 1:16-17.