Sunday, January 30

I am a horrible Christian

What? It's true...
I've been a Christian for 26 of my 31 years.
I've gone to church my entire average of twice a week for 52 weeks times 31.5 years for a grand total of approximately 3276 times, give or take a few dozen.
I went to a Christian school from kindergarten to grade 8.
I went to Bible College, where I got my Bachelor's in Religious Education
I became a licensed worker with my denomination (C&MA)
I served in Germany, in full-time ministry, for two years
I am going to another Bible College for my Master's of Intercultural Leadership
and for what???

Seriously, what is the point of that whole goody-two-shoes list, if I failing to serve the Lord where it counts???

How often do I fail to pray for others?
How often am I burdened for their needs, their brokenness?
How often does their brokenness and pain drive me to intercede on their behalf?
How often am I challenged to share of the Hope that can be theirs?
How often have I shared with how God has transformed my life and how He wants to transform their life too?
How often have I allowed God to use me to lead someone into a relationship with Christ and then to have the privilege to disciple them in Christ-followers?

The answer: Rarely or Never

How often do I let opportunities pass me by?
How often do I even consider that by not telling them of Christ, I am basically turning my back on them and their eternal salvation?
How often do I overlook people's needs because I'm too busy, too tired, too worried they'll think me weird, too unsure of what to say, too whatever?
How often do I tell people that I'll pray for them and then never think of their request beyond the initial comment?
How often do I commit to spending consistent time in prayer or reading God's word, so that our hearts can be united and I can be transformed, only to fail miserably?

The answer: Way too much!

I just read a book, this week: The Heart Reader (a very good and easy read, if interested). The character who challenged me the most was this old woman, in her 70's or 80's, who was ashamed of all the time that she had wasted instead of worshipping God and leading others into worship. I don't want that to be me! (As a side note, I do think that regardless of however much "we" accomplish on earth, in the face of standing before God, we will feel as if we could/should have done more.)

I've heard sermons/talks about how it doesn't matter what we do so much as it matters of who we are in God (our identity in Christ). But honestly, can I identify myself as a Christ-follower when I fail to imitate Christ?

I think I need some re-wiring.
I need God to strip me down, give me an electric shock, and re-start the fire inside my heart.
I need God to give me His eyes to see those hurting and lost around me, His love to compel me to speak to them, and His voice to say the message that isn't in my head.
I don't need a new heart transplant just a little CPR to pump His life and purpose into me.
I want to stop being content of being the Christian who "looks good" and presents herself as godly but is really just a weak display case that blends in with all the other display cases.

I suppose the word "horrible" in my title, is a bit harsh. But I don't mind feeling the failures (as a little humility and repentance is good). I'm thankful that God hasn't written me off long ago, as deserved. And I'm thankful that Christ is willing to transform and use me. I know this is where grace, forgiveness, and "a hope and a future" come into play. And I am very thankful that God (still) sees a person worth loving and changing. There is hope for me yet (and you too, in case you need to hear that!)

So where do I go from here?

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