Why I Dislike the Dentist

(I went to the dentist yesterday. I came up with this list while being subjected to their rituals.)

5. The blinding light--That light, which hangs so innocently above the chair, suddenly becomes a spotlight...an interrogation beam. All the better to see my teeth with, I suppose, but when they walk away leaving the beam on, I practically am given a sun tan, whether I want it or not. To compensate for the high beam, they give you the most spectacular pair of sun glasses to wear...the type of sun glasses that wraps around your entire head; big, black, completely from the 80's...lovely.

4. The questions--Let's wait until your mouth is open as far as it can go, with two tools, two fingers, and other such contraptions all poking around in there, before we ask you a question which requires an answer. Really? You want me to mumble an answer or could you kindly remove yourself from my mouth to hear me properly. Maybe they took a "MSL" (mumbling as a second language) class in their dentistry school.

3. The water spray--This little gem is supposed to spray all debris from your teeth so that by the end of the your enchanted-visit/forced-appointment your teeth feel squeaky clean and not gritty. However, what ends up happening is that first my entire face and neck gets a rinse and a consequent wipe down. The miniature super-soaker sprays my teeth but also ends up deflecting off my teeth to douse my face. I'm laying there hopelessly under the hands and tools of the dentist and his assistant, who is mercilessly spraying me down,  with water going out my mouth, down my check and neck. Nice...I didn't know a change of clothes (or a swimsuit) was required when visiting the dentist.

2. The air vacuum--What is worse than the water spray...the air vacuum thing. Yep! During my entire visit the air vacuum all but takes a permanent residence in my mouth. I know the purpose is to remove all natural, re-occurring saliva, along with any aforementioned debris, but really, the lack of any moisture becomes quite painful. Suddenly, about half way through my appointment, I notice that not only my mouth dry but it was going numbingly cold. My teeth felt sensitive and my gums were aching as that little tube of deprivation was robbing me of any relief. Just when tears were about to flood my eyes (My mantra: I will not cry at the dentist), sweet relief came when the vile vacuum was removed, albeit ever so briefly, so that my mouth could flood itself with saliva, easing my pain.

1. The noise--goodness gracious! The noise is a constant ear-piercing, nails on a chalkboard types of sounds. Why don't they make tools that make a low pitched hum instead of a high pitched squeal. You walk in there a bit tense already (if you're like me) and those sounds are enough to make your shoulders swallow your head. You know you've been to the dentist when you walk out and your neck is missing and your face/mouth is numb from the shock of having so much going on inside.

Oy vey!