Longing and loss

I'm kind of having a hard time lately. Well, technically, this week. It's no secret that I want to be married. I've talked about here. I've had/have friends praying with me. I've had numerous discussions with God and others about this. Seemingly to no avail (although hope remains).

Over the last month or so, I've had a keen longing for connection. The desire to love and be loved. The desire to learn about someone, laugh with them, and to feel the joy over God's provision of this man. Despite this constant longing, I've been okay. I haven't become discouraged or frustrated or lonely or anything. It's been there in the core of my heart and mind but it hasn't consumed me, which has been surprisingly nice!

However, I've had two dreams in the past week where I've found myself in a new relationship and quickly we begin holding hands. I have felt cherished and wanted in my dreams. And then I wake up, immediately very aware of my singleness. I'm not going to lie...it's been hard. The loss and heartache has weighed on me long after the dream was over.

To end on a positive note, this has kept me communicating with God...and He is my Comforter (among many other attributes). "The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7  Amen.

I'll be okay.

A Childhood Desire

I don't know when exactly I first came up with or realised this dream of mine...it must have been around 5th grade or so. But I remember thinking how I'd like to buy a really big house.

Not one of those huge houses that only has three huge rooms and closets the size of a garage but a huge house with lots of bedrooms and a decent sized yard (although I don't want to do the mowing). The reason why? So that I can take in kids who need a place to live...a safe place...a home...a place to just be and to connect with others and to grow...a place in which they could be wanted and loved.

Foster kids, adoption, or however else they came to me...I didn't care. I just wanted to mother the needy, abused, lonely kids in my community.

At that time, this huge home was located, right here in Washington but as I've become older the location for this home as become more global as I've become more missions-minded.

Give me a home in Africa for a bunch of AIDS orphans or child solders.
Give me a home in Asia full of abandoned kids or sex-trade victims.
Give me a home in America for the lost and broken all around us.
I want to hug and love on them all!

Honestly, my dream hasn't changed too much however the location is now negotiable.
Perhaps one day, I'll see that home but right now, I'm still dreaming...

Ready to go

Yesterday I was chatting with a customer-friend.

We talked about the fact that I've been called to ministry and that is where my heart is.

Then he asked me how long I've been here with this company. I told him I started in 2007 so in June it will be 3 years.

To which he replied, "so I bet you're ready to go, aren't you?"

My answer was and is: "...oh yeah..."

Friend-ly Dreams

On my way to work this morning, I remembered a dream I had this morning before waking. It's the kind of dream that is nice when you're dreaming it but perhaps even more meaningful when you wake up...at least for me.

There's this family that my parents met when they first moved to Washington. So technically, I known them from birth, one could say: a husband, wife and two sons, the older is about two year older and the younger son is my age. Both of those guys are married now and the younger son also has his own babe now.

My dream took place at my parent's home and it was simply a get-together of our two families. As would be in real life, I roamed around my mom's kitchen, helping set out the snacks and tidying up where possible, while most of the people congregated in the living room, catching up. At one point, I left the kitchen and went to sit down in the living but was just listening to the conversations instead of joining in. However, right before this family was to leave, I asked the younger son how his boy and wife were doing (they were on the east coast seeing a doctor--in the dream only). After hearing an update from him, I turned to the wife of the older son and asked about how things were going for them. At this point, everyone was up and heading to the door when the older son turns to me and gently says: "You're really something Mindy. You sit there quietly, not engaging with anyone until the very end. You have so much to offer. You're such a warm caring person but keep that all to yourself. You need to be more open with people. People will love you." (Okay, I can't remember his exact words...I was dreaming after all...but that was the essence.) The way he said it made it feel both like a rebuke but also encouragement.

When recollecting this dream this morning, I once again felt rebuke/encouragement about who I am and how I choose to engage with others. I felt loved and challenged by the message that God spoke to me through this dream.

Because I'm more introverted than extroverted, I tend to listen and watch instead of interacting with others, especially if I don't know the others super well. However, God made me the way I am, not to use it as an excuse to not engage but to develop meaningful relationships with people along the way. It's good to listen and watch but it also good to social. God wants to use me and frankly, I want to be used!

Germany

I dreamt of Germany last night. I dreamt that I was returned to BFA for a visit and was sitting at the dorm waiting for kids to get home from school. I remember specifically dreaming of four of my kids, giving them hugs when I first get to see them.

I miss them...

It's funny how a good dream (one I don't want to wake up from) can turn into sadness...

Dreams

I am a dreamer. No, I'm not talking about day-dreams (although I am this as well)...

I am a night dreamer...I regularly have vivid dreams that I can remember the next day. In fact, it's a more "unusual" night if I don't end up dreaming. What impacts me the most about my dreams is that I occasionally (once every two months approx.) will dream of random people. People from my past who I don't see, don't contact, and don't normally think about. And yet, these people randomly invade my dreams.

I'm also a person who believes that God allows things to happen for a reason and that He can speak to us through dreams. While I'm not quite sure God has ever directly spoken to me through a dream, I've decided that the only logical reason that I would randomly dream of someone is because the Lord wants me to pray for them. So that's what I do. I should say that I don't put much stock in what my dreams are about just about the people involved.

The somewhat frustrating thing is that those people fill my thoughts the entire next day and I diligently pray for them throughout the day, all the while wondering how they are doing and what is going on in their lives. About half of them, I have no means to contact them outside of performing a major search...and plus, what would I say..."Hey you! I know we haven't talked since 4th grade but I had a dream about you last night and was wondering how you are..."

Okay, that actually doesn't sound too bad but still that would be super awkward to say to a guy...especially a married guy.

I enjoy being a dreamer...they add excitement to my life. I don't mind praying for people either...hopefully God uses my prayers to encourage or touch those people, wherever they are at. I just find the whole dream-thing interesting.