Broken-hearted

Yesterday was rough.
As in, crying off and on throughout the day.
Pretty much every time I talked to someone, the ever-near tears came streaming down my face.

I live at Oasis...a restoration facility for boys with behavioral or drug related issues. This means, the requirement to coming to Oasis is that you have a problem. You have some kind of brokenness in your past whether at the hands of others or by your own choices or, as in most cases, both.

Yesterday, probably due to some exhaustion and some stress, I lost it. I was talking to my friends/coworkers, who live out there full time, about a particular situation which led them to sharing about the boys with whom we live. Sharing some of the scars and baggage and brokenness that they bring to Oasis, along with their own anger-issues or drug-addictions. Most of these boys have experienced abuse whether sexually or physically by the very adults who should have protected and nurtured them.

The greatest issue I have at Oasis is learning how to show love with boundaries. I have learned (am learning) that when I naturally and purely want to give hugs or kisses to the boys, that very often, they, in their brokenness, do not know how to receive that love without sexualizing it. An hug or kiss from me can lead to them believing lies or fantasies about "us."

I was overwhelmed by this yesterday. This boys are so broken that they cannot receive or understand natural motherly, unconditional love. And yes, some of it is from consequences of their own actions, but a lot of it has to do with homes in which they lived and the broken parents that raised them. For them, I grieved. And grieved. I could not stop the tears. How can I, who has no understanding of this kind of life, who had a safe Christ-fearing godly-parents home, be a blessing to these boys who can't comprehend what a pure hug means due to their brokenness? What can I possibly say to them? How does God desire to use me in this ministry when I feel so inadequate?

I was reminded that God may want to use me in their lives to teach them what a healthy family looks like, what a healthy person looks like...without the baggage, without the brokenness...to give them hope and a vision for personal change and how their own family could look one day in the future. Broken people do not need to beget broken people. The cycles of pain that was "normal" in their home, at the hands of their parents or guardians, doesn't need to be the cycle in their home, with their kids. They can be the one who can change and they can be the one who loves well, with the healing power of Jesus! And I can be an image of this. A word of encouragement. A hope aspired. I can show them real love...not manipulative abusive love...but unconditional Christ-powered love. Yes, with boundaries, but I can still show love. He who is mighty is able to heal and restore the broken-hearted and for this season of our lives, I get to be a part of their healing.

After a sound sleep, this morning, at breakfast, I announced to the boys that I had good news for them. When I had their attention, I said, "The mercies of God are new every morning and His love never has an end." I needed to hear that. They needed to hear that. I'll start with this promise and trust God to continue teaching and using me in the days that follow in the lives of these beloved boys.

Another birthday, new year!

I found myself not looking forward to this birthday because it's a mile-marker that I'm not quite ready to be at, as a single woman. Even thinking about it still makes me want to breathe a deep sigh.

But ready or not, the birthday came and went and as for celebration, I had a great day...it was relaxing and fun, with good conversation, good food, and a good friend!

However, despite my lack of enthusiasm at yet another year added to my age, I found myself thinking about what I wish for my life in the year ahead and came up with the following list:

• I wish to become more like Ruth (Bible figure), which means loving and serving others more, walking with humility and having faith that God is in control and will work everything out, even when all odds may suggest otherwise.
• I wish to be a positive influence in the lives of the Oasis boys, which could include helping lead a boy into a relationship with Christ or speaking Truth into their lives, but ultimately providing hope and love that allows for the healing they need.
• I wish to learn more Spanish and to be able to speak more confidently and clearly.
• I would love to go on a date and be excited about the possibility of dating a man of God. (I've downgraded this wish over the years from "marriage and childen" to "a date." :) But please don't tell the Mexican pastors about this or they will excitedly ramp up all efforts, which would scare me!)
• I desire to practice more self-discipline and self-control. I once read a quote, that has stayed with me, that said "I am not a man controlled by my urges." I was immediately convicted by that thinking over how many times I allow my urges (sweets, things, etc) to control what I do. The areas I specifically want to focus on is time with the Lord (both daily and Sabbath) and monitoring food choices (less sugar, carbs, fat).

This is my heart for the year ahead. I'm confident there will be times of success and times of failure. But hopefully, and prayerfully, the year ahead will culminate with me knowing and loving the Lord Jesus more. If not, then everything else is for naught.

Not just a little

Don't you love it when God sends a reoccurring theme your way?

Today at church the message was from John 15:1-17...the whole "I am the true vine" passage. But the verse that stood out to me is verse 7:

"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish,

and it will be done for you."

And then I did a Bible Study lesson which referenced Luke 18:1-8, the parable of the widow who goes persistently before a judge until he complies with her request.

Plus a verse I have been mentally chewing on for some time is Ephesians 3:20:

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."

Bottom line: God loves to give and not just a little. He loves to give big! He loves to bless His children.

Before you get frustrated, I know that there is always the question that if God loves to give and promises to give, then why hasn't He answered my heart's cry? Honestly, I don't know...I'm not God. But I have to assume that even if it doesn't seem that He is working, I can have faith that He is! I can also have faith that He loves to hear my requests and will answer each one, in His good time, according to His good plan!

So I've decided to enter a season of committing to ask big. I'm going to ask for miraculous healings, which my eyes have never yet witnessed. I'm going to ask for spouses (one for me and for a few of my friends). I'm going to pray for salvation, and finances, and jobs, and whatever else may seem hard or "impossible" because I know my God is able.

Connectedness

I love(!!) the book of Ruth, in the Bible. If you want to get me excitedly talking, ask me why! But since I can't hear you, I'll tell you why! Yes, it's a romance story for all us swooners and day-dreamers, even though I'm sure Ruth would have hardly called that part of her life romantic, when she was going through it. But the romance is not what I love about it.

What I love is God's handiwork.

Boaz grew up in a home where his mom (Rahab) was also a "foreigner" who wanted to know and follow God, and was then welcomed into the community by Boaz' dad (Salmon). He probably grew up watching people react differently to mom, who in addition to being a foreigner was also a former prostitute, and also watching his dad love and protect his wife. This life scene prepared and shaped Boaz for his own wife.

God brought, into his own fields, a young foreign woman, who wanted to know and follow God. And while foreigners had been known to be abused, Boaz quickly tells his workers to protect her. I think immediately his heart went out to her, not only because he heard that Ruth was taking care of his cousin Naomi, but also because she was humble foreigner looking for a way to survive in this new land.

I love the fact that long before Ruth existed or even Boaz existed, God was at work...preparing and orchestrating. Since all of time is but a moment to God, He worked in Rahab and Salmon's lives, which affected Boaz and Ruth's lives, and then these "simple" stories set the scene for King David and even Jesus, Himself. All the same family...all individuals used by God to accomplish His purposes.

Years ago, I took a Strength Finders test. My number one strength is Connectedness. I can see how the past, present, and future are connected. All of it is important because all of us have a role to play. Spiritually, it is easy for me to understand this strength because it allows me to marvel and what God has done, is doing and will do! Plus, it reassures me that my simple life is part of something much greater than I can even fathom. Personally, in regards to work/ministry/general life, I'm still learning how Connectedness can be an asset to myself and others. I suppose I can try to be a voice of hope to others that their lives matter and count for something, even if they can't see it.

him and me

“I just don’t understand,” started the conversation between myself and my friends. “I just don’t understand how he can consider you to be like his dad and mom and yet he rebels and resists and chooses to not submit.”

As soon as the words slipped out, I was reminded that this is how my relationship with God can be.

• God: my Father, whom I love, who is very important to me and has changed my life.
• Me: the child, who still wants to do my own thing, who still wants to reject and resist and not submit to the will of the Father.

Am I any different? Am I any less hard-hearted at times? Is the boy, of whom I was talking, any less able to be touched and changed as I have been? Is not this boy a reminder of my own “prone-to-wander” syndrome? A reminder of the grace and forgiveness that I have been offered? A reminder of how sweet and powerful the love of the Father can truly be, when at last my heart repents?

Just as my story is yet from being over, there is more for this boy. Just as my life has been marked by Love, so has his…only he has yet to understand that! And for that, with renewed humility, I pray.

Get movin', for pete's sake!

There are a number of Bible verses that offer encouragement, "feel-goodness," and can become like a mantra or battle cry in the midst of life's struggles. One such verse is Exodus 14:14:

 

"The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

A great verse and a great reminder. I have offered this verse to my friends and family when life's situations have warranted such a reminder.The context of this verse is that the Hebrews have just left Egypt and are now being pursued by Pharaoh, who wants his slaves back. But the Israelites find them blocked by an Egyptian sea, with seemingly no where to go. So Moses speaks those previous powerful words.

And yet, just the other day I read verse 15.

Then the Lord said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to Me? Tell the sons of Israel to go forward."

In other words, don't just stand there crying...get a move on it! I had to smile when I read this verse because it reminds me of my own parents. For example, if I ever had a headache or felt ill and mentioned that to my mom, the response would be "go take some medicine!" and not the coddling I was looking for! And this is what I feel God is doing to Israel, in a way.

Silence does not mean do nothing! The silence I believe that is mentioned in verse 14 has to do with being silent and quiet in your heart and thoughts because you have faith that God is present and working and greater than ANY difficulty you face. But God's command to the Israelites is to keep moving. Yes, for them that meant walking towards the sea and maybe that appeared to them as a "certain death." But if they stood around and were "silent" with inactivity, then the ONLY option would have been death or slavery. So God said to move forward...not back towards Egypt, because He wants to give us freedom from our bondage. And it was at the water's edge (I would guess that likely the Israelite's minds were full of confusion, fear, and insecurities) that God showed them the way to freedom, by parting the waters!

You see, God had freed the Hebrews from their Egyptian masters. And once again God was providing freedom and life to the Israelites. Our God is a God of freedom...just like with the Israelites, God wants to continually bring you life and a future filled with freedom from the bondages that had previously tied you down. This doesn't mean that there won't be difficulties...you too may face an "impossible" situation with your enemies pressing down on you and your back against a sea but know that God wants you to keep moving forward and HE will provide your freedom. Just trust him and wait to be amazed!

Thinking about grace

I have been thinking a lot of about grace in the last few months.

It occurs to me that I don't really know how to define grace. I know how to use it and can share examples of grace, but to say this is what it is...that is where I draw a blank.

I have felt grace when I have been really emotional and easily angered and my friends have asked me what is wrong, told me they pray for me, and offer to help. Or when another friend told me that she just assumed I was dealing with transitional stuff, having only been here less than a year, which was exactly what I needed to hear but hadn't occurred to me until she said it.

I have felt grace in gifts from others that have touched and amazed and exceeded far more than what I imagined.

I have felt grace from Mexican friends as they have oh-so-patiently listened to me oh-so-slowly put together a spanish sentence and when they provide the word I am missing or stumbling over or in how they continually and lovingly try to engage me in conversation even when they know I am by no means fluent.

I have felt grace by family and friends who supported me and have cheered me on even if coming to Mexico wasn't on the top 10 list of places of where they'd like me to go, just because they know that I was going where God was leading.

I feel flooded with grace whenever whenever I think about the Lord and how He has blessed me so much over the years despite the fact that I have not been as faithful as I should have been or as grateful as I should have been.

I just recalled that from Sunday School days, we were told "Grace is getting what we don't deserve." Looking back over what I just shared, I guess that is close...grace takes the form of blessings when we haven't earned it, love despite our selfish moments, friendships despite being too busy, acceptance despite our shortcomings, and encouragement when we deserve a rebuke.

Not to be at all confused with mercy, which I feel I can easily wrap my mind around...forgiveness when we deserve punishment. Maybe a working definition that I can start with is that "Grace is gifts that we haven't earned."

Gracias a Dios

This week I had the opportunity to share prayer, and bread, and oranges, and laughter with a Mexican woman named Gaby, and three of her kids.

I love going to people's houses to pray. There's a natural fellowship that takes place when we commune together with God and when we intercede on other's behalf to God. Plus, this woman is just delightful...she has a beautiful smile, bright eyes, and a pleasant, serving disposition.

We asked Gaby what we could pray about and she began sharing about a couple of her kids (she has about 5-6, I can't remember the exact number). She shared a common prayer request that her 19 year old son would find a job...a request that came up regularly in our home visits. There isn't enough jobs in Tijuana (or the rest of Mexico) to support the need, even for those with education. But as she was sharing, she made a comment that has stuck with me.

As she shared, she mentioned that her son didn't have a job, "gracias a Dios," which means "Thanks to God." I heard and understood her but figured I didn't understand her meaning...was she thankful her son didn't have a job and if so, why? Thankfully, the woman translating was equally confused over her meaning and questioned it..."why thanks to God? are you thankful he doesn't have a job?" To which she said, it isn't about whether or not her son has a job but the importance of giving thanks to God in all circumstances (my paraphrase). Give thanks to God in the rainy seasons and in the sunny seasons. When walking through seasons of blessings or seasons of hardships. Whether your prayers are being answered the way you desire or not, thanks to God.

A beautiful reminder. A great lesson to learn.
Gracias a Dios.
Thanks to God.
For everything.
All the time.

Single in my 30's

Being single in your 30's is different, in several ways, than being single in your 20's. This idea and my thoughts on my singleness have been rolling around in my head over the last week or two, as my next birthday looms ahead of me, in a couple months.

As I once again shared my pain-filled heart with a dear friend, I wrote her the following:

I forget how it was worded but an intern girl made a comment this summer that she'll be married by 25...or something like that. She is a young thing (19 or 20 yrs old). When I heard her, I asked her what if God has other plans, to which she responded along the lines "I'm pretty sure I won't be single when I'm 30." To which I responded, "I never planned to be single in my 30's either."

Do you get tired my singleness emails?

I hope that despite the fact that I ride a roller coaster of contentment and grief, that there is at least a growing maturity and a deepened faith in me. I feel that there is. While the grief still hits me in the gut from time to time, there is an assurance that anchors my heart and mind to the Lord. Who but my Beloved can I turn to, when I know that He hears and understands, more than any other?

Talking through my pain allows me to once again put myself in the faithful and trustworthy hands of God. He has never failed me yet.

Two days ago, I was talking with a dear single friend. I didn't set out that day to talk about singleness and contentment even though it was very much on my mind. However, it was on her mind as well and she instantly brought it up, allowing us to encourage each other for the next hour. Towards the end she said, "I don't know if you are blessed in your singleness but I am being blessed by your singleness." Tears rushed to my eyes and my heart sang "yes! yes Lord. This is what I want. I want my singleness to bring You glory as I continue to seek and wait on You."

I don't write all this to pat myself on the back...it's just to share my thoughts of a single 30+ woman who occasionally struggles but is learning to look to God.

Prayer's struggle

I have this one specific prayer request that I've talked to God for about 4 months now. Not every day but regularly...several times each week, to be sure.

I was reminded yesterday by a Mexican friend of a story in the book of Daniel where Daniel prayed for 24 days on a certain request. On the 24th day, an angel came to Daniel and said that he had left immediately to minister to Daniel but was stopped in battle and had only just been freed to come. If Daniel hadn't continued to pray until he received an answer, I wonder if he would have missed out on the blessing.

This is a good encouragement for me to persevere and faithfully bring my request before God. Plus, even without this encouragement, I know that God cares about the things that weigh on my heart, including this.

But I was also reminded, about two months, ago of a passage in Romans: "Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts..." (Romans 1:24). This came to mind because although I know God cares, I have no desire for Him to answer my prayer in the way I desire, unless it is also what He desires for my life. I don't want to be given over to my desires only to find out one day down the road that I "settled" instead of waiting for God's blessing...much like the story of King Saul and David. The people of Israel demanded a king, so God gave them Saul...a weak and unfaithful king...when instead the people of Israel should have waited for the "man after God's heart," King David.

All this to say, I'll keep praying faithfully, like Daniel, until God provides an answer. And I keep praying humbly, seeking God's time over my own desires.

A lesson from Jeremiah, part 2

Okay, I didn't think I'd write on Jeremiah for a little while but writing the last post, my eyes saw another golden nugget that I couldn't resist writing on.

One of the thing I love about God is that He loves and cares for the vulnerable (foreigners, orphans, widows). Furthermore, He is so passionate that His followers also love and care for the orphan and widow that He tells us to do so many times throughout the entire Bible. So if we are not actively doing so, it is sin (James 4:17).

Shortly after the last passage that I shared, Jeremiah is told to tell the king and his people to administer justice. God says:

"Do not mistreat or do violence to the stranger (foreigner), the orphan, or the widow; and do not shed innocent blood in this place....if you will not obey these words...this house will become a desolation" Jeremiah 22:3, 5

He cares so much about those who are vulnerable that He promises to judge those who fail to do so. Why is this so important to God?

• Loving and caring for the vulnerable is one practical way to show that you love and care for God.
• Loving and caring for the vulnerable is one practical way to show God's love and care to those who might feel alone, afraid, weak, and unprotected.
• It is a way to show the world God's love, tangible hands and feet.
• It is a way to remind ourselves that without God, we are just as vulnerable (not to say that orphans and widow are without God due to their vulnerable state...their physical state is merely a reflection of our spiritual state without God).

I don't mean to minimize widows and foreigners but let me focus on orphans momentarily.
According to the Christian Alliance for Orphans, in 2008, they estimate that there were 163 million orphans (children who have lost either one or both parents). Three years prior, UNICEF estimated the count to be at 132 million. As of 2011, it is estimated that there are 2.18 billion Christians in the world, of all ages. Let's estimate that 1/3 of that number are children. This leaves 1.53 billion adults. The orphan epidemic could be completely taken care of if Christians followed God's command to take care of orphans!!

I know there are many extra elements to consider and I can agree that my statement above is a bit too simplistic but even if we were to estimate that half of those adults were in a position to adopt, that would still be 750 million adults...far more adults than orphans!

If you're not already doing this, take time today to plan how you can be involved in caring for foreigners (refugees, immigrants legally or otherwise), orphans (domestic and internationals, children with one parent or none), and widows (elderly, single mothers, or true widows). If you need/want suggestions, I can certainly offer some.

A lesson from Jeremiah

I've been reading through the book of Jeremiah, in the Bible. It's a long book filled with judgment...or so I thought for my whole life. But reading through it, I have found that it contains so much more. I could share so many tidbits with you, and maybe one day I'll share more, but today I'll just share one little passage, from Jeremiah 21:8-10:

"You shall also say to this people, 'Thus says the Lord, "Behold, I set before you the way of life and the way of death. He who dwells in this city will die by the sword and by famine and by pestilence; but he who goes out and falls away to the Chaldeans (Babylonians) who are besieging you will live, and he will have his own life as booty. For I have set My face against this city for harm and not for good," declares the Lord.'"

When I read this passage, I was blown away by the implications of what it says. If they want to live, they must leave the "safety" of the city walls and walk into guaranteed captivity of the Babylonians. The walls of Jerusalem gave the illusion of safety and yet the Lord declares that if they stay there, they will certainly die.

My immediate next thought was of myself and the church, in general. I think it has become normal for us to want security, comfort and safety (whether or not that is okay is another issue for another day). Very few would seek instability, trials, or suffering. And yet, if God were to call us out of the safe area into a life of guaranteed trials, would we go? Would I go?

The story that follows is exactly what is promised in that passage. This declaration was given to the King who chose to stay behind his fortified city walls and ultimately the city was destroyed and the King was killed. But, while it is not stated in the book of Jeremiah, we do know that some people heard the words that Jeremiah spoke and obeyed. They chose to leave the city walls, go into captivity and lived...we have stories of Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abednego, Mordecai, Esther, Ezra and Nehemiah.

Walking into a life of trials would definitely be a hard decision to make but this passage (as well as the fulfillment of this passage, as just discussed) reminds me that following God is ALWAYS worthwhile. Captivity and trials does not signify that God is not present or that God has abandoned His people...even then He is present and using people for His glory (read Daniel, Esther, or Nehemiah for confirmation). So if you are facing this hard decision, be bold and confident that God is in control and that God is good, even in the midst of pain.

Working with love

This morning, I was reading my Bible, specifically the book of James, and reflecting on what it says:

"What use is it, my brethren, if a man says he has faith but has no works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is without clothes and in need of daily food and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace. Be warmed and be filled,' and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use it is? Even so, faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself."

The thought that quickly came to my mind today is what use is good works if not accompanied with love and compassion? To have faith is one thing. To have faith and works is another. To have faith and works WITH love at the core, takes service to a whole other level. And really, if your faith is sincerely rooted in Christ, then your works will be an extension of, and filled with, love and compassion...there would be no variance between the latter two options and that is really what the author of James means, I believe.

So all of this eventually lead me to praying that in my works today, from the chores to the house I would work on, that they would be filled with God's love and compassion. Little did I realize that the Lord would test me on this almost immediately after.

This morning was chaotic. Lunch preparations wasn't ready quickly (we set everything out while people are eating breakfast) and really, lunch wasn't even my staff chore to be concerned with. I just made it my concern and felt my stress and frustration level grow quickly! Then by this time, most people were done with breakfast, so I quickly scarfed down mine so that I could do my staff chore, which is overseeing all the visitor's chores. I was annoyed that I had to now eat so quickly while other staff members were leisurely eating their breakfast. Next, my frustration and lack of patience grew as people slowly meandered to their assigned chore or that some responsibilities were being missed altogether which mean that I ended up doing them. I felt growlish and snippy.

Then God opened my "eyes" to see what had just happened. I prayed to show love in my works and yet for the entire hour of breakfast and chores, I had done everything BUT show love and compassion. Funny how that happens, isn't it? I undeniably felt very humbled and quickly told the Lord how much more work needs to be down in my heart, how much more I need to be softened, how much more I need to know His mercy and love and then offer that to others, how I can't just give love and compassion when it's easy and feels good but also when it's hard and sacrificial.

A great story

There are a few Bible stories that ignite my mind and heart, more than others; ones that really get me thinking and make me want to teach about them or at least share about them with others. Stories that continually teach me about who Jesus is or how I should live.

I know I already touched on this particular story before but it's so good that, in my opinion, it deserves another post!

This particular story is located a couple places in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John): Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5: 21-43, and Luke 8:40-56. It's the story of Jarius' daughter and the old woman.  May I briefly recount the story to you?

Jesus crosses a sea, only to be met by a synagogue leader named Jarius, who requests that Jesus come quickly to heal his daughter. The daughter is very ill and near death. Jesus agrees to come heal the daughter and the whole entourage starts immediately walking throug the crowds...no time to waste.

And yet in the midst of that, an old woman is present who had been hemmoraging for 12 years! (Ladies, let's all have a moment of silence to sympathize with this poor woman.) She had visited many doctors, which had taken much of her money, hadn't help, and left her feeling like a medical guinea pig. Plus, over the years, her health had only grown worse. But she sees Jesus and thinks "if I could just touch his robe, maybe I'll be healed." After all, what had she to lose? So she reaches out, touches His robe and finds herself immediately and knowingly healed. But then Jesus immediately stops and asks, despite the pressing crowds, who it was that touched Him. This woman fearfully steps forward and Jesus shares a moment validating and blessing her.

Once that is finished, the entourage starts their journey again. However they are quickly met by a servant of Jarius' who sadly informs them all that Jarius' daughter has already died. Jesus quickly assures Jarius to "only believe" and they continue on their way. Then when they get to the house, Jesus heals the daughter, who immediately get up and starts walking. Amazing!

There are so many little things about this story that I love:

• Jesus is willing to heal anyone, from little girls to old women
• Jesus is willing to heal anyone, from high-offical's daughters to societial "rejects"
• Jesus allows for an interruption, even when He is on a set assignment. He doesn't allow for this "to do" list to become more important than meeting the needs of people who cross His path, even though it means His plans are interrupted.
• Jesus takes the time to speak and show loving compassion to this destitute old woman, who probably felt rejected, bruised in her body and soul, and alone.
• Jesus sees impossible situations as opportunities for God to be glorified through miraculous healings.
• Jesus invited others to be a part of His ministry, like His disciples.

I am challenged, in this story, to be more like Jesus in my actions. I guess that is why it always seems to get me excited and thinking.

He withholds no good thing

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;

the Lord bestows favor and honor;

no good thing does he withhold

from those whose walk is blameless.

Psalm 84:11 (NIV)

"But how is this true, when God oftentimes withholds riches and honours, and health of body from men, though they walk never so uprightly; we may therefore know that honours and riches and bodily strength, are none of God's good things; they are of the number of things indifferent which God bestows promiscuously upon the just and unjust, as the rain to fall and the sun to shine. The good things of God are chiefly peace of conscience and the joy in the Holy Ghost in this life; fruition of God's presence, and vision of his blessed face in the next..."

--by Charles Spurgeon

Self-Control

I just finished reading a Christian-fiction book where a godly man mentioned that he was not a man controlled by his urges.

This comment has got me thinking.

Am I controlled by my urges? Or rather, how often am I controlled by my urges rather than practicing self-control?

For me, this includes food choices, superfluous spending, and giving myself the night off instead of taking myself to the gym like I know I should.

One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. Practicing discipline can be hard, especially when a years of selfish choices have created habits that are hard to break. And yet, to be a person not controlled by any selfish urge, is a person who is truly free. Free to be the person that God has destined them to be.

And that is what I want.

So in light of that, some plans need to be created and I must begin to practice the word "NO." Truthfully, to fight these urges is a big job...so big that it feels overwhelming...but God is greater and gives greater grace. That, my friends, gives me the motivation to move forward.

James

For the past 7 weeks, I've been a part of a woman's Bible Study, at my church. This is the first time ever that I have joined, mostly because either I was already busy on Tuesday nights or I was in school and busy enough with homework and commitments. I joined this one, however, when I heard they would going to do Beth Moore's study on James.

I think it's always been in my head that the author of James was James, the brother of John...one of Jesus' disciples that faithfully followed Jesus from the beginning. This James was also the first disciple to be martyred. However that James is not the author of James.

The author of James is James, the half-brother of Jesus, who did not believe Jesus was the Messiah, the span of Jesus' earthly ministry. I mean, could you blame him? Buddies and playmates as kids, likely. James, a sin-filled boy, growing up in the shadow of his perfect non-sin-filled older brother Jesus. How many times were the two boys compared? Why can't you be like Jesus?!?! A comment like that would be enough to bring up emotions of anger, defeat, rebellion, resentment, or insecurity. And then, if that weren't enough, when the good older brother is grown, He claims to be the long-awaited Messiah...the Son of God. I imagine James thinking He's taking this self-righteous act too far...the Messiah, come on...if He doesn't shut up soon, He's going to be killed. Which is, of course, what happened.

And yet, Jesus saw something in his younger brother (as He sees in all of us)...a person worth redeeming and a leader in the making. After Jesus' resurrection and before He ascended to Heaven, there is one little line where we must assume that James' life was radically transform:

"...that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, and then to the Twelve. After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers and sisters at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles..."  I Corinthians 15:4-7, NASB

That's all we are told. Not a single word of their conversation. But what we do get is a small window into James' life after that interaction with Christ. He is transformed from a scoffer of Christ to the head of the Christian church. An amazing transformation...I can't wait to (hopefully) learn more of this story when I get to Heaven. But this whole post is going a direction I didn't necessarily mean... :)

As part of the final lesson for this Bible Study, I was asked to summarize James' life, with one thought or sentence. When you study the book of James', as well as the few snippets of his life through Paul or Luke's books, it becomes quite apparent that his heart is bent for the vulnerable. James' belief is that every Christian should live in such a way that reflects the faith they have in God, which includes caring for the poor, the widow, and the orphan. Anyhow, there was this one great quote that was in my book, written by Melissa Moore Fitzpatrick (Beth Moore's daughter), that I believe summarizes James fairly well:

"We simply cannot be obedient disciples of the Lord Jesus and continue to willingly choose self-indulgence, all the while ignoring the desperate needs of others."

I love this statement. It challenges my relationship with God and with others. May Jesus continue to bend my heart for the vulnerable so that He may use me, as He used His brother James.



The stupid topic of contentment

So, the ladies' ministry at my church is doing this new thing, this year, offering 4 extra "classes" on various discipleship topics. The first was Silence and Solitude. The second was Scripture Memorization and Meditation. And this past Saturday was Contentment.

Although I went to the first two classes, I had no desire to go to this class and would have probably skipped altogether if the lady in charge didn't contact me to see if I would make the coffee for this gathering. I said yes (because I had nothing better to do, really) and went, knowing that this topic was probably something I needed to hear but didn't want to hear. Anyone with me on this?

(**Side note: It's snowing right now and there's a huge smile on my face and joy in my heart! If only it would stick...**)

Because you see, back on Valentine's Day, not even a month ago, I wrote about being content in my singleness. And while I am still (more often than not, at the current time) content at being single, the one area I am NOT content is my job and the direction of my future; because I'm ready to leave my current job and have no earthly idea what is next in my life.

No earthly idea.

In fact, just yesterday, I was chatting with a woman at church and told her "if you hear of anything, let me know..." to which she naturally replied, "well, what are you looking for?"   Umm...yeah...I have no clue.

I didn't leave the class full of employment-contentment but as expected, I did leave convicted and challenged. The Lord, the same One who has called me and who has led me to this job in the first place, rebuked me regarding my attitude toward the job and various elements that frustrate me. His calling has me here, for this time, for His reasons. One very good reason would be to be a Christian example of integrity and love to my two non-Christian coworkers! And yet, last week, I was two steps away from chewing someone out in a very ugly way (see last post).

It occurred to me in the last week that I should pray for "my enemies" (aka the people who frustrate me) and I figured that God probably wouldn't change them as much as He would want to change me, since that's now He normally works.

So yeah...that's where I'm at. Back at work.
Trying to humble myself to God's will.
Trying to allow God's presence to shine through me.
Trying to love.
Trying to be diligent with the gift (job) God has given me.
Trying to allow for contentment to grow.

Rotten to the core

Up until I was 22, I don't recall having ever truly hated anyone or being very angry. I was fairly calm, easy-going, got along with everyone, a peace-maker.

But one Sunday night, I was at a friend's house for Bible Study and couldn't focus on the lesson. I began to question myself: "what is my problem here? why can't I focus? what is this feeling in me?" Upon asking the last question, I realized that anger seared through me, quickly and heatedly, causing me to want to yell and hate someone, for the first time ever. I left that study as quickly as I could, once it ended, and sought counsel and prayer from a friend that night. But I haven't been the same since.

In the 10 years since then, I have struggled a handful of times with certain people...finding my personality clashing with a few, finding myself want to curse and tear down others, and wondering how to change. Was the girl, prior to age 22, a realistic me? Or is the girl in the last decade the real picture of me? I wonder if the pre-22 me was someone who still had "faith like a child," whereas the post-22 me is more jaded and more worldly. I'm not sure which is an accurate or fair description. But I do know that I'm still struggling with certain people and ultimately, struggling with myself.

I met Person a handful of years ago. I learned fairly early on that Person was not going to be an easy person to interact with. But I was more gracious in those early years than I am now. Where Person demonstrated negativity, selfishness, and even rudeness, I would calmly smile, sympathically listen, and try to offer a positive light on the situation. But as the years have clicked by, the less gracious I have become with Person. Now instead of being calm and positive, I just try to remain silent so as to not lash out with a restless and poisonous tongue.

I HATE this side of me. I hate that I am weak. I hate that I would wish bad on someone.
I hate that instead striving to be an example of Christ and godliness, I find myself striving to just stay silent so not to reveal the extent of my ungodliness.

I am convinced, more than ever, that I am rotten to the core.
I memorized Jeremiah 17:9 as a young child ("The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.") and finally understand its truth.

But despite all this, the post-22 me has experienced God in an immense way that I don't recall in my pre-22 years.
I have learned greatly of what it means that God redeems us.
I have learned what it means that God refines us by fire
And that He is the Master Potter.
That He wants to take that rotted core in me and turn it into something holy.
That where I see hopeless evil in me, He sees a person worth purifying.

And I am humbly grateful.

Transformation in the valley

I read through the book of Hosea a couple days ago and thought of a handful of messages and/or blog posts that could be extracted from that little book of the Bible. Here is one thing that really impacted me when I read through this.

But first...let me back up.

Back in the time when Moses was leading the Israelites around the desert, for 40 years, God gave His chosen people a list of rules, one of which was to give God the firstfruits of everything...crops, first-born animals, first-born sons, etc...as an offering of dedication for God's use and to thank God for His abundant blessings. So moving on...

After Moses died, Joshua was commissioned to lead the Israelites into the awaited Promised Land, where they were to fight and kill all of the Canaanites and the other inhabitants, for God had given the Israelites this land. Part of the blessing for the Israelites was that in doing this, they would get to inhabit houses and cities that they didn't have to build. They'd have crops they didn't have to plant and possessions they didn't have to buy. BUT, the first city, the first battle, against the people of Ai, was to be the first-fruits offered to God. All the houses, city walls, crops, animals, gold, treasure...all of it...was to be burned and destroyed...an offering to God.

But in Joshua 7, we learn that a man named Achan takes some things and hides them in his tent. What he did was so grievous against God that his sin resulted in the death of Achan and his whole family. The valley in which the family was killed was called Achor (which means trouble).

Okay, skip ahead to Hosea.

Hosea was a chosen prophet of God's who was commissioned to marry an unfaithful prostitute. She conceives three children (presumably not Hosea's children?) and even ends up as a slave at one point, causing Hosea to buy her back. Hosea's marriage to Gomer was a portrayal of God's love for the Israelites, the unfaithful bride. A powerful, beautiful, oh-so-humbling portrayal. But in chapter 2, God gives Hosea a promise:

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope."

God, so faithful and full of loving forgiveness for His unfaithful bride, Israel, promises to woo her back, to bless her again with undeserved possessions, and to transform the valley of trouble into a door of hope!! And all of this will happen while IN THE WILDERNESS!

I don't know about you, my friends, but when I'm "in the wilderness," I would typically describe that time as filled with weariness, being lost and alone, and dry in both body and soul. The heat oppresses and I don't know how long I can endure without finding an oasis or haven to restore my soul. Does this resonate with anyone? And yet(!) God promises to create a door of hope for His Beloved during that dry and troubled journey. Is that wonderful and exciting?!?!

I love that image. It creates hope and assurance that even in those times God is still good and will provide for our needs. Hope this encourages you too!