Another birthday, new year!

I found myself not looking forward to this birthday because it's a mile-marker that I'm not quite ready to be at, as a single woman. Even thinking about it still makes me want to breathe a deep sigh.

But ready or not, the birthday came and went and as for celebration, I had a great day...it was relaxing and fun, with good conversation, good food, and a good friend!

However, despite my lack of enthusiasm at yet another year added to my age, I found myself thinking about what I wish for my life in the year ahead and came up with the following list:

• I wish to become more like Ruth (Bible figure), which means loving and serving others more, walking with humility and having faith that God is in control and will work everything out, even when all odds may suggest otherwise.
• I wish to be a positive influence in the lives of the Oasis boys, which could include helping lead a boy into a relationship with Christ or speaking Truth into their lives, but ultimately providing hope and love that allows for the healing they need.
• I wish to learn more Spanish and to be able to speak more confidently and clearly.
• I would love to go on a date and be excited about the possibility of dating a man of God. (I've downgraded this wish over the years from "marriage and childen" to "a date." :) But please don't tell the Mexican pastors about this or they will excitedly ramp up all efforts, which would scare me!)
• I desire to practice more self-discipline and self-control. I once read a quote, that has stayed with me, that said "I am not a man controlled by my urges." I was immediately convicted by that thinking over how many times I allow my urges (sweets, things, etc) to control what I do. The areas I specifically want to focus on is time with the Lord (both daily and Sabbath) and monitoring food choices (less sugar, carbs, fat).

This is my heart for the year ahead. I'm confident there will be times of success and times of failure. But hopefully, and prayerfully, the year ahead will culminate with me knowing and loving the Lord Jesus more. If not, then everything else is for naught.

Connectedness

I love(!!) the book of Ruth, in the Bible. If you want to get me excitedly talking, ask me why! But since I can't hear you, I'll tell you why! Yes, it's a romance story for all us swooners and day-dreamers, even though I'm sure Ruth would have hardly called that part of her life romantic, when she was going through it. But the romance is not what I love about it.

What I love is God's handiwork.

Boaz grew up in a home where his mom (Rahab) was also a "foreigner" who wanted to know and follow God, and was then welcomed into the community by Boaz' dad (Salmon). He probably grew up watching people react differently to mom, who in addition to being a foreigner was also a former prostitute, and also watching his dad love and protect his wife. This life scene prepared and shaped Boaz for his own wife.

God brought, into his own fields, a young foreign woman, who wanted to know and follow God. And while foreigners had been known to be abused, Boaz quickly tells his workers to protect her. I think immediately his heart went out to her, not only because he heard that Ruth was taking care of his cousin Naomi, but also because she was humble foreigner looking for a way to survive in this new land.

I love the fact that long before Ruth existed or even Boaz existed, God was at work...preparing and orchestrating. Since all of time is but a moment to God, He worked in Rahab and Salmon's lives, which affected Boaz and Ruth's lives, and then these "simple" stories set the scene for King David and even Jesus, Himself. All the same family...all individuals used by God to accomplish His purposes.

Years ago, I took a Strength Finders test. My number one strength is Connectedness. I can see how the past, present, and future are connected. All of it is important because all of us have a role to play. Spiritually, it is easy for me to understand this strength because it allows me to marvel and what God has done, is doing and will do! Plus, it reassures me that my simple life is part of something much greater than I can even fathom. Personally, in regards to work/ministry/general life, I'm still learning how Connectedness can be an asset to myself and others. I suppose I can try to be a voice of hope to others that their lives matter and count for something, even if they can't see it.

Single in my 30's

Being single in your 30's is different, in several ways, than being single in your 20's. This idea and my thoughts on my singleness have been rolling around in my head over the last week or two, as my next birthday looms ahead of me, in a couple months.

As I once again shared my pain-filled heart with a dear friend, I wrote her the following:

I forget how it was worded but an intern girl made a comment this summer that she'll be married by 25...or something like that. She is a young thing (19 or 20 yrs old). When I heard her, I asked her what if God has other plans, to which she responded along the lines "I'm pretty sure I won't be single when I'm 30." To which I responded, "I never planned to be single in my 30's either."

Do you get tired my singleness emails?

I hope that despite the fact that I ride a roller coaster of contentment and grief, that there is at least a growing maturity and a deepened faith in me. I feel that there is. While the grief still hits me in the gut from time to time, there is an assurance that anchors my heart and mind to the Lord. Who but my Beloved can I turn to, when I know that He hears and understands, more than any other?

Talking through my pain allows me to once again put myself in the faithful and trustworthy hands of God. He has never failed me yet.

Two days ago, I was talking with a dear single friend. I didn't set out that day to talk about singleness and contentment even though it was very much on my mind. However, it was on her mind as well and she instantly brought it up, allowing us to encourage each other for the next hour. Towards the end she said, "I don't know if you are blessed in your singleness but I am being blessed by your singleness." Tears rushed to my eyes and my heart sang "yes! yes Lord. This is what I want. I want my singleness to bring You glory as I continue to seek and wait on You."

I don't write all this to pat myself on the back...it's just to share my thoughts of a single 30+ woman who occasionally struggles but is learning to look to God.

Waiting

I heard a story today...from a new friend who is a natural storyteller.
As she wove her story, about her own life, I was drawn in and captivated.
I shared in her joys and sorrows, in her journey of faith.
Tears filled my eyes and my heart was tugged at what she shared about her history.

Her story has brought to my mind the tugs of my heart.
The same tugs I've had since some of my younger childhood days.
Tugs that have remained, been challenged, and strengthened, year after year.
Tugs that are not presently part of my life.

On some days, I wait patiently, trusting, and content.
On other days, I yearn, struggle, and ache with longing for these dreams to come to pass.
When? When will it be my turn?
Will these dreams ever come to be?

Rotten to the core

Up until I was 22, I don't recall having ever truly hated anyone or being very angry. I was fairly calm, easy-going, got along with everyone, a peace-maker.

But one Sunday night, I was at a friend's house for Bible Study and couldn't focus on the lesson. I began to question myself: "what is my problem here? why can't I focus? what is this feeling in me?" Upon asking the last question, I realized that anger seared through me, quickly and heatedly, causing me to want to yell and hate someone, for the first time ever. I left that study as quickly as I could, once it ended, and sought counsel and prayer from a friend that night. But I haven't been the same since.

In the 10 years since then, I have struggled a handful of times with certain people...finding my personality clashing with a few, finding myself want to curse and tear down others, and wondering how to change. Was the girl, prior to age 22, a realistic me? Or is the girl in the last decade the real picture of me? I wonder if the pre-22 me was someone who still had "faith like a child," whereas the post-22 me is more jaded and more worldly. I'm not sure which is an accurate or fair description. But I do know that I'm still struggling with certain people and ultimately, struggling with myself.

I met Person a handful of years ago. I learned fairly early on that Person was not going to be an easy person to interact with. But I was more gracious in those early years than I am now. Where Person demonstrated negativity, selfishness, and even rudeness, I would calmly smile, sympathically listen, and try to offer a positive light on the situation. But as the years have clicked by, the less gracious I have become with Person. Now instead of being calm and positive, I just try to remain silent so as to not lash out with a restless and poisonous tongue.

I HATE this side of me. I hate that I am weak. I hate that I would wish bad on someone.
I hate that instead striving to be an example of Christ and godliness, I find myself striving to just stay silent so not to reveal the extent of my ungodliness.

I am convinced, more than ever, that I am rotten to the core.
I memorized Jeremiah 17:9 as a young child ("The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.") and finally understand its truth.

But despite all this, the post-22 me has experienced God in an immense way that I don't recall in my pre-22 years.
I have learned greatly of what it means that God redeems us.
I have learned what it means that God refines us by fire
And that He is the Master Potter.
That He wants to take that rotted core in me and turn it into something holy.
That where I see hopeless evil in me, He sees a person worth purifying.

And I am humbly grateful.

The ebb and flow of emotions

The ebb and flow of emotions is a funny thing, isn't it?

One day or even one moment, you're completely fine and content
and the next day or moment, you're struggling with sadness, pain, grief, confusion, frustration.

I am mostly fine, content, trusting in my singleness
I am mostly able to celebrate with other's joys of marriage and babies, without hesitation
And I am so grateful for that.

However, at some point today, and I can't even define when it happened
Sadness and grief flooded my heart for the story I desire but isn't yet mine.
This too shall pass, and I'm grateful for that.

In the meanwhile, I am grateful that I can trust God
with my longings, with my emotions, with my prayers.

And one day or maybe even later today, I'll be content again.

Prayer Board

A favorite time-waster among (mostly) females is Pinterest...a website to "pin" various pictures and links onto theme-related "boards"...like a board of all home design, favorite books, food items to cook, fashion, etc...

Anyhow, last week, I found myself thinking about several people, life events, and other areas of concern in my life and realized that what I would love is a prayer board.

A board that I can hang in my bedroom, on which I can add pictures, emails, words, logos, Scripture, or anything else that would help me remember to pray for those things that weigh on my heart; those special topics that I want to intercede for.

So I went to Michael's craft store and bought a 11x14 cork board, some scrapbooking letter stickers and some pushpins. Then I went home, took a frame that I love, popped out the glass and backing and popped in the cork board. Perfect fit.

As soon as I started dreaming about this prayer board, I wanted to have a little phrase or verse on it to summarize the wish and focus of my prayers...so I choose the lyric "Have Thine own way, Lord."

Slowly, I'm collecting those pieces that will cue my prayers. And am delighting in this little project. I'm excited to see how God will answer these prayers while also working in my own heart.

Highlights from the last four days

I had the last four days off, in light of our Thanksgiving holiday this past Thursday. It was a lovely time off. Here are just a few of my highlights:

• Lazy Thursday morning
• Enjoyable fellowship and yummy food over Thanksgiving Dinner with siblings
• 2 hour skype phone call with parents
• Going to the theaters to see the newest Twilight movie and the Muppet's movie.
• Finding another espresso stand that can make me a maple latte
• Adding to my Nativity collection with one of Peanuts figurines
• Decorating the Christmas tree and our apartment
• Making cinnamon scones
• Seeing the Rodger and Hammerstein's Cinderella, in Seattle, with my sisters
• Teaching Sunday school this week

I love that the holiday season is now in full motion!
Now, if only we'd have snow within the next month...


On a different yet somewhat related note, every holiday time I feel more keenly aware of my singleness. Between movies of Christmas love and miracles to songs to even family time, I find myself year after year grieving that there's no special someone to share the holidays with. Don't get me wrong...I love (and am so thankful for) my family and the friends in my life but each Christmas, for the last 4 or 5 years, I find myself praying that maybe next Christmas I'll get to spend it with my Beloved's family. But Christmas is the time for joy and love, and of course, hope. So each holiday season, I "fight" these "single-awareness" feelings, trying to focus instead on the miracle that God provided us and the opportunity to share that joy and hope with others. And even though the grief/longing is never too far removed, I always end up having a good holiday season...which I'm thankful for. Anyhow, that's all...I just wanted to share this.

Lean not on what makes sense...part 2

**In case you haven't read the first part...go here!**

So I chose a school and program. Applied and got accepted. Started making plans to move across the country. Told everyone what God had in store for me next. Until...

five weeks ago!

About five weeks ago, I started to feel a "pause"...I keep using the word "pause" because at no point yet have I heard a clear "NO"...just more an unsettled question mark that school is where I am supposed to go. So I began praying that if this is God telling me "NO" that I would have the ears to hear.

So I began to consider...if I don't do school, is ministry next for me?

At the beginning of the year, knowing my graduation was in sight, I started looking at various ministries. I applied to a non-profit organization in Ohio, that works with girls pull from trafficking. I applied to a non-profit ministry in Maryland, that works with pregnant girls. I considered missions especially as my friends were called and left for ministry in Mexico, with pleas for me to follow. But nothing came of those ministries. Nothing happened until June.

In the meanwhile, I considered continuing school and made the decision to apply.

But in June, the trafficking ministry in Ohio emailed me to say that they had one position left to fill and my application is next...am I still interested? However, I said "no" in light of the fact that I had recently chosen to continue education. And so that door closed.

Every so often I would reflect how perfect it had sounded for my personality.

You see, I still hold to the thought that my job in Germany was perfect for me. What was it that I liked so much? The care-taking, the nurturing, the living together and speaking into "my kids" lives more than just once or twice a week, like a youth pastor. Truth be told, all I've ever wanted, my entire life, is to be a wife and mom. I've realized that I don't necessarily need to be a mom to my own kids but find joy in the idea of being a mom to any kid. And both the Ohio and Maryland jobs offer those care-taking, nurturing elements.

But as I mentioned, in June I said no to Ohio.

However, with the "pause" over continuing education, dare I hope that Ohio could actually still have an opening these couple months later? So I emailed the director...

Lean not on what makes sense...part 1

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding.

Back in May, my current pastor came out to candidate, at my church, and preached on Proverbs 3:5-6. A very familiar passage...one that I've had memorized for years and years, and have heard many sermons on. A favorite verse of many that I thought was good but definitely not my favorite (**side note: I have a weird aversion towards things that are wildly popular...like this verse or Jeremiah 29:11 or the song Amazing Grace...they are all good but over-adored by Christians, which I know is a ridiculous thought process.) So when this pastor starts in, I settle in for the sermon I could (naively) preach without preparation. But it ended up being the very thing what I needed to hear that Sunday in May.

As you devoted (despite my infrequency) longer-time (as in the last 3-6 months) readers/friends know, I have been waffling in what comes next my life.

Call to ministry...check!
Bachelor's degree and overseas experience...check! check!
Stable job...check!
Master's degree...check!
Deciding what to do next...check?

Do I move into ministry? Do I do more schooling? Do I pursue mission? Do I wait for a divine neon sign to tell me what to do and where to go?

My mentor friend loaned me a book by Erwin McManus, called Chasing Daylight. To summarize it, Erwin argues that there are some things you don't need to ask God for permission to do...you have already been called. You have already been anointed or chosen or equipped to do things...so do them! Just be willing to stop if God tells you to stop!

With this mentality, along with that May sermon to not put all my faith in what necessarily makes sense, I chose more school.

Can I do this? Yes!
Will I enjoy this? Yes!
Can I be successful at this? Yes!
Did God create this studious nature within me? Yes!
So should I be a student again? Yes?

So I chose a school and program. Applied and got accepted. Started making plans to move across the country. Told everyone what God had in store for me next. Until...

Searching

Dearest--

...For where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried...

I just have to find you first.

Me.
:)

**Quote taken from Ruth 1:16-17.

Things I'm Thankful For

For the past, I don't know, two (?) months, I have felt an emptiness in regards to this blog...like I have nothing to share. I can't even tell you how many times I've opened up a "new post" page, stared at it with nothing coming to mind, and then closed it all down again. I've even contemplated shutting her down but I am normally a thinker/processor who likes to do so in written form. So I'm not shutting her down but nor can I predict if or when an influx of consistent inspiration might hit.

Hey, if push comes to shove, I'll be making a cross-country trip at the end of the year...that should provide material worth writing about...

Anyhow, so for today, I thought I'd share some things that I'm thankful for:

• finishing a baby blanket that I am actually quite pleased with
• sermons that challenge and affirm what God is teaching me
• summer produce...yum and yum
• free time which allows me to volunteer in new ministries
• people who speak into my life, whether directly or indirectly
• an opportunity to see an old friend and her kiddos
• fellowship that comes with my church family
• anticipation of fun online purchases (a book and a TV show)
• and for coffee...because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. Thanks and God bless!

So what are you thankful for?

My heart for Judaism

One thing about me that not many people know is that God has given me a love for Judaism.

I remember one day as a kid (11 or 12 years old, I think), I remember thinking about the Bible and some of the various stories that are in it. It occurred to me that Jewish people are related to Abraham and David and Esther and Daniel and of course, to Jesus! To me that was the coolest thing ever...to know you are related to these people!!! So I mentioned to my mom "I wish we were Jewish" which my mom frowned over.

The frown is something I've received a few times. It's not that anyone is anti-Semitic...it's just that they don't understand why I wish I was Jewish when, as a Christian, I have been grafted into and adopted as an heir of Jesus' family anyway.

Honestly I'm not sure I can explain it anyways.

Seeing as there is no way I'll ever become Jewish, as conversion would have to happen which would mean declaring that I am still waiting for the Messiah which I won't do as I know He has already come...it probably doesn't matter if I can explain my rationale to people or not. At any rate, I have periods of times when I can't read enough about Jewish observances, beliefs, and practices.

I think the thing that really draws me towards Judaism, beside the family lineage, is the element of holiness. The kosher lifestyle was created to set apart the Jewish people from the rest of the world. By observing food laws, cleaning laws, laws about relationships, holidays, and more, they looked and acted differently than the plethora of people around them. And when people observed and studied these Jewish people, the reason for their behaviors what God. God was invited into the center of all they did. The mundane became holy.

How often do I put food in my mouth without thinking?
How often do I clean my place with resignation or grumbling?
How often do I fail to invite God into even the little things when ALL things have the ability to be a reflection of Him?

Okay, okay...I know I do not have to be Jewish to invite God into the mundane. And I know I could be Jewish and just as easily forget to keep my focus on God, just as I do now. Soooo...it's a moot point.

All this to say, I've learned a few things from this love-relationship:
--The invitation to allow the mundane to become holy is still an invitation open to God's children...a call I would like to practice more consciously!
--Just as people were supposed to see a difference in the Jewish people, people should see a difference in me.
--If I ever have a chance to go to Israel or other Bible-story locations, or I could learn Hebrew, or if I could befriend a practicing Jewish woman, or, or, or....I'd be delighted.

And that's all that comes to mind.

The weather satire

There's a saying I've been told this is something like: if you don't have anything to talk about, talk about the weather.

Have you all heard that one? It's pretty common.

But I immediately think that there's always gotta be SOMETHING I can talk about with someone else...any time to chat is a chance to get to know each other...to share...to learn...to invest.

So whenever people in a closer sphere of contact (but still acquaintances) bring up the weather, it always makes me cringe. Honestly, it makes me feel like they don't care about me so they are just trying to pass time by talking about the weather. So I cringe, inwardly, of course. Really??? Not how's your weekend? Do anything fun? How is your job? Anything new happening? You want to talk about the weather?? Go online and look it up!

Thankfully I don't blast the people with my mental tirade but I calmly answer their question by giving them a (stupid, pointless, no-one-cares) weather report. But I often refuse to reciprocate the question because as I just mentioned, NO ONE CARES!!!

Okay, okay, I will quickly admit that there are times when the weather is definitely worth mentioning. Like how we had over 40 days without sun...or the year we got snow in May!...or beautiful sunrises or rainbows...or whatever. That may definitely be worth mentioning...

Maybe I'm being too hard.
Maybe people really do care about weather.
Maybe I should be more gracious...because they at least care to ask about the weather rather than just sitting mute and not saying a word.

In that case, the sky is overcast and grey. It's not raining but might sprinkle a bit later. It's about 62 degrees F and apparently we are supposed to get up into the mid-70's, with sun, and occasional rain breaks, for the next 7 days!!! Isn't that exciting!?!

The moral of the story: Please oh please, don't ask me about the weather. If you don't know what to say to me, talk about coffee or some great dish you've eaten or made.

dazed and confused

I've been on vacation this past week, roaming around the southwestern part of Ontario, Canada and even into Northern Ohio. A college friend of mine got married and I wanted to witness his joy (and meet his bride, who is delightful). So....since I very rarely go over to that region, I took advantage of the opportunity to see 4 sets of friends: 2 college friends and 2 couples that I worked with in Germany. A very nice and very fast week!

But now I'm back at work and have a heap of things to sort through...to figure out what I've missed and what still needs to be taken care of. Coming back is always a bit stunning. I just need to push through this so that I can feel tidy and organized.

Speaking of tidy and organized...my bedroom is a mess. I share an apartment with my sister, which has been and is good, but one thing that irks me...a pet peeve, if you will...is that whenever she "cleans" the main living area, she just throws all my stuff in my bedroom. Yes, I know this sounds logical but it makes my room a mess as I then have to sort and figure out what is there. I guess the thing that really gets to me is that clearly books go on the bookshelf, movies go in the movie case, junk mail is clearly junk mail, and bills go in one neat stack on the bookshelf...but they all get thrown in my bedroom. I'm itching to get my room all clean again as the current state leaves me frustrated and tired...but am not sure if the cleaning will happen today.

However...

The greatest area of being dazed and confused is not at work or my apartment but over my future and what God desires for me. I am 90% certain that I'm forgetting about the Master's of Science in Education degree, even though I was just accepted into the program. And am now cautiously/hesitantly pursuing a Master's of Science in Bible degree...but to what avail? Yes, this degree interests me greatly but do I really want to be a Bible teacher?  Round and round and round the thoughts go in my head. One friend in Canada thinks I should ditch school (as I already have a Bachelors and Masters), and should jump into ministry. While I appreciate his advise, it has only helped in leaving me conflicted and confused. So my prayer has become James 1:5: "if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives to all men, generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." Yep...that's what I need.

So yeah...that's where things stand.
If God tells you what I should do, please let me know! :)

Business in the front & party in the back

The promised photo. The third grade mullet.

Great sweater for a great haircut!
Good times, those late 80s!

What's going on

Things in my life have been a little confusing/complicated lately.
Maybe unsettled is a better word. If you've read my blog entries since April, you've read that once or twice I mentioned things going on in my life that I wasn't yet ready to share about. Well...here goes.

There are times I pray for God's guidance and I get a clear understanding of what He'd like to do or where He'd like me to go (like the decision to go to Germany). There are other times when God is (frustratingly) silent (like the decision to leave or stay in Germany). Now is also such a time.

**Sorry, I can't write without a long story to accompany it...I'll try to keep it brief but you might want to refill your coffee cup first.**

Okay, so I just graduated with a Master's of Intercultural Leadership which I have no clue how that will be used in my life, despite it being a good program/degree/experience. The initial goal was to become a career missionary. However, as my degree progressed, I became less certain that I'd be a career missionary. Don't get me wrong...I'm still very much willing to go and live and serve overseas again. I hope very much that it will be a part of my life one day but whether or not I'll live the bulk of my next 30 years overseas, is what I'm not certain of.

But because I am still interested in missions, when I went to Germany in March/April, I had lunch with a good friend of mine, who now works in the personnel office. I intentionally asked her, if I came back, what could I do? Not that I'm opposed to serving in the dorms again but I would like to consider something different perhaps. She mentioned the possibility of being a chaplain's assistant. The current female chaplain's assistant oversees the small groups, plans the short-term mission trips, and makes herself available to listen, counsel and encourage the students. The reason my friend thinks this position may open up is because this lady is trying to get pregnant. Plus, even if she stays, the middle school (6-8th) is moving to the elementary school since the elementary kids are moving to another location. So maybe there should be a chaplain and an assistant at each location. Moreover, my friend knows I have a love for teaching the Bible so she said it would be "easy" for me to pick up a class or two/week to add to my plate, if I choose. Lastly, she encouraged me to consider getting a teaching degree.

Still with me?

So since the beginning of April, the idea of getting a teaching degree has been rolling around in my head. Do I or don't I? Do I really want to be a teacher? God, what should I do? What about a full-time teacher? God, I could use your counsel. At what point do I stop the education and move into ministry? God, help, please! Am I just doing this for BFA/Germany or would I be willing to serve elsewhere? God? What happens if I start and decide I don't want to be a teacher?

Thoughts and prayers have been swirling in my head, both when I rise and when I sleep. My prayer for God's wisdom and guidance have become like a mantra.

Shortly after getting home from my vacation, I went to the BFA website. To look for inspiration or counsel or something. The one thing that stood out, that I was reminded of, is that BFA has a connection with Philadelphia Biblical Univeristy. You can work at BFA while taking classes with PBU and can earn a Master's degree. Not that I'm going to do that. I can't imagine trying to raise support for both living expenses and tuition...even though people do that. BUT...I did check out PBU (online) and feel a draw toward their campus and program. So much so that I've already started the application process.

The funny thing is that for me to get a Master's of Science in Education degree, I have to first go back to community college to pick up a few more undergrad classes for certification. I love that I just graduated with a Master's and am now going to take classes like Political Science or History 101. :) I'm planning on taking two classes in the summer and two classes in the fall with the plan of moving to Pennsylvania at the end of the year. Yes, I realise that this means I will be traveling cross-country during winter. Yes, that should be a fun trip!


View Larger Map

This whole thing (the trip, the college, living on the east coast near places I've always wanted to visit, the future possibilities, etc) make me excited. But it also has me tense...this is a huge change. I'm willing to do this but I want to know that God is in this and that it just isn't me fixating on this idea. And since God has been fairly silent, outside of this unexplainable draw, I don't yet feel assured that I am doing the right thing. So much of this crazy idea doesn't make sense. Plus, I'd have to take out student loans for the first time.

But the thing I find greatest comfort in is that if I move to Pennsylvania and eventually decide to scrap the whole thing or conclude that being a teacher isn't part of God's plan on my life, then dropping the program and/or moving back to Washington would not be the end of the world. Plus, I have a standing opportunity (kind of) to go to Mexico, if I should choose, to work with my friends.

So, I'm going for it. I don't understand why PA (and not any of the colleges nearby that offer education degrees). I'm putting things into action and still praying my mantra-like prayers asking for God's wisdom. He's free to stop this train whenever He so chooses. But until then, I'm moving forward.

I'll keep you all posted as more develops in this area of my crazy life.

It was a great party. Trust me.

I had a party on Saturday to celebrate my graduation and to thank the key people who have cheered me on during the years.

I made lots of food: a quiche, a hashbrown casserole, a carrot cake, a bailey's chocolate cheesecake.

I had fun socializing, hugging, laughing, giving tours of my apartment, eating, making three pots of coffee.

I had ever intention to take photos to look back on and to share on here.

I failed miserably.

I didn't take one single photo. Sadly, I didn't even think about taking a photo until it was all over, the food was considerably digested, and the people were gone. Boo.

The moral of the story: give the responsibilities of photo taking to someone else, since I won't think of it when the time comes.

A glimpse into my youth (L-Z)

(aka...13 15 things you didn't need to know about me but will learn anyways)
(**clearly I wasn't thinking and didn't split the alphabet in half correctly...oh well...que sera, sera**) :)

L. I went to a Lutheran school from Kindergarten through 8th grade. What this means is that I got to memorize the Lutheran catechism every year for my Bible class. I got to say the 10 commandments and "what does this mean" each year. I learned the apostle's creed and later on learned it by song, in choir class, which is actually the only way I can recite the creed to you nowadays. And I said the Lord's prayer every single chapel. It was an interesting experience...some good elements, some less good. From my nine years there, I vowed I'd never go to Germany, which was "Lutheran" to me. Clearly God had a good laugh over that one!

M. I was a wee bit legalistic as a teen. For most of my teenage years, I thought any music that wasn't by a Christian artist was not Christian and should therefore not be listened to. I am honestly not sure where I got that from...

N. I never dated in high school. I observed some friends relational ups and downs and thought no thanks! Plus I like this one guy the whole time was waiting/hoping for him...but he never asked, which I see now is a good thing.

O. The fear of the Lord and of my parents (good fear, not scary fear) kept me fairly obedient growing up.

P. I switched to the public school in 9th grade. That was a hard, emotional transition. But transition I did and now I look back on those years with fondness and gratitude.

Q. For two years (I think), I did Bible Quizzing at my church. Bible quizzing is a youth activity where over the course of a year, you memorize a book of the Bible and then have meets where you compete against other churches/youth. It was a good experience but I do wish I had invested more in it.

R. I shared a room up until my last year of college...a perk of having siblings (and then college). I shared a room with my older sister until I was 14. Then Cari and Amy switched places so I had Amy as a roommate from 14 on. It was rough start for Amy and I but I adapted. We became close because of that time.

S. My most embarrassing moment involved Spanish class. Let's just say that I pronounced something very wrong in front of the whole class. That's all I'm saying. (I'm happy to tell you in person...just not on here for the world to read). :)

T. I was voted in one class as "most likely to become a teacher." My reaction was...no way, jose; not gonna happen! Now I'm thinking about it. Another chuckle for God.

U. When I was 15 and 16 (I think), I went on my first mission trips to Ukraine. Both summers, I went for one month with a group that was half comprised of church people. They were great experiences. We held camps for orphans or neglected youth. I would love to re-visit Ukraine one day.

V. I played volleyball and basketball in 7th and 8th grade. That was the extent of my sports career. For the record, I preferred basketball.

W. In 12th grade, I tried out and was chosen to be a part of the Women's Ensemble choir, at my school. That was a fun experience. One song we all hated was a version of the nursery rhyme "This Old Man." My favorite songs were "Count Your Blessings" from White Christmas and "Fairest Lord Jesus" for our baccalaureate. And those are about the only songs I remember...

X. In 12th grade, I worked as an office assistant as one of my classes (don't judge...I took three AP classes...this and choir were my only easy classes). I processed checks, helped the registrar (which meant I got to see people's grades), and frequently had to use a Xerox machine. How's that for using the letter "X"?

Y. The only time I yelled at someone was in 6th grade. I was "the good girl" and the teacher's pet and hated the latter. I saw this one girl yell at the teacher and that stuck me as the thing to do. I genuinely hoped to be sent to the principal's office. My teacher listened and then quietly/gently apologized...not the reaction I hoped for.

Z. I hosted this birthday party, at some point in high school, for several friends who had May birthdays. We played one game where we acted like animals in a zoo. Bet you wish you had been there!

I'm so glad God is patient

If you hear God's voice, it's best to listen.

I loved my job in Germany. I keep saying that I'd go back in a heartbeat but then every time I've thought about going back into the dorm assistant position, I feel hesitant...as if I'm moving backwards in life. I've reflected on this from time to time with no clear answer. Anyhow, back in March, I believe, I saw that another boarding school, in Malaysia, was hiring...and they pay their staff...and they needed an dorm assistant. SOOO....I thought and thought and finally gave myself permission to apply. I figured I could always do this again for two years and then maybe move into another ministry...plus living in Asia would be kind of cool (okay, not cool-temperature because it is warm and humid there, I've heard, but cool-interesting...you understand). So I went online and printed up all the reference forms and then started the application.

However, just as I start the application, God breathes "just wait."
Well, I couldn't wait! Hello, the deadline for the applications was the end of March...plus I needed to get things wrapped up before my vacation! My rationale was that I figured I'd go ahead and apply and then if needed, I could always tell them "no thank you" later on. However, if didn't apply, then it would be a no-go from the beginning. Make sense?

So I filled out their essay-question application...all 15 pages of it. Requested all the references from the four required people. Requested the transcripts from all my colleges (3 as of now). Mailed it all in and waited. Then when I was on vacation, I made arrangements to skype with them, which I did. We had a nice hour long chat. This was all fine and good, until the end of the chat.

At the end of the chat, my friends asked me how it went and if I'd take the job, if offered. All I could say was "...I don't know..." All I felt was this great uncertainty over moving into that ministry, into that location, and into that school. I started praying about it (novel idea!) and the uncertainty remained. Two weeks later, the lady there emailed asking for a final couple documents to complete my application. I emailed back saying...thank you, but sorry, please don't consider me.

Clearly, I should have obeyed. I knew that I had heard God's voice...it wasn't even one of those times where I was uncertain (was that Him or was that just me?). But I chose to act anyways. I wasted so many people's times, including my own, on the possibility that God would say "haha, just kidding, glad you didn't listen to me...go ahead and take the job."

So let this be an encouragement to you (and to me!) that if you hear God speak, it's better if you just obey.