Yesterday was rough.
As in, crying off and on throughout the day.
Pretty much every time I talked to someone, the ever-near tears came streaming down my face.
I live at Oasis...a restoration facility for boys with behavioral or drug related issues. This means, the requirement to coming to Oasis is that you have a problem. You have some kind of brokenness in your past whether at the hands of others or by your own choices or, as in most cases, both.
Yesterday, probably due to some exhaustion and some stress, I lost it. I was talking to my friends/coworkers, who live out there full time, about a particular situation which led them to sharing about the boys with whom we live. Sharing some of the scars and baggage and brokenness that they bring to Oasis, along with their own anger-issues or drug-addictions. Most of these boys have experienced abuse whether sexually or physically by the very adults who should have protected and nurtured them.
The greatest issue I have at Oasis is learning how to show love with boundaries. I have learned (am learning) that when I naturally and purely want to give hugs or kisses to the boys, that very often, they, in their brokenness, do not know how to receive that love without sexualizing it. An hug or kiss from me can lead to them believing lies or fantasies about "us."
I was overwhelmed by this yesterday. This boys are so broken that they cannot receive or understand natural motherly, unconditional love. And yes, some of it is from consequences of their own actions, but a lot of it has to do with homes in which they lived and the broken parents that raised them. For them, I grieved. And grieved. I could not stop the tears. How can I, who has no understanding of this kind of life, who had a safe Christ-fearing godly-parents home, be a blessing to these boys who can't comprehend what a pure hug means due to their brokenness? What can I possibly say to them? How does God desire to use me in this ministry when I feel so inadequate?
I was reminded that God may want to use me in their lives to teach them what a healthy family looks like, what a healthy person looks like...without the baggage, without the brokenness...to give them hope and a vision for personal change and how their own family could look one day in the future. Broken people do not need to beget broken people. The cycles of pain that was "normal" in their home, at the hands of their parents or guardians, doesn't need to be the cycle in their home, with their kids. They can be the one who can change and they can be the one who loves well, with the healing power of Jesus! And I can be an image of this. A word of encouragement. A hope aspired. I can show them real love...not manipulative abusive love...but unconditional Christ-powered love. Yes, with boundaries, but I can still show love. He who is mighty is able to heal and restore the broken-hearted and for this season of our lives, I get to be a part of their healing.
After a sound sleep, this morning, at breakfast, I announced to the boys that I had good news for them. When I had their attention, I said, "The mercies of God are new every morning and His love never has an end." I needed to hear that. They needed to hear that. I'll start with this promise and trust God to continue teaching and using me in the days that follow in the lives of these beloved boys.
Wednesday, October 1
Thursday, May 15
Another birthday, new year!
I found myself not looking forward to this birthday because it's a mile-marker that I'm not quite ready to be at, as a single woman. Even thinking about it still makes me want to breathe a deep sigh.
But ready or not, the birthday came and went and as for celebration, I had a great day...it was relaxing and fun, with good conversation, good food, and a good friend!
However, despite my lack of enthusiasm at yet another year added to my age, I found myself thinking about what I wish for my life in the year ahead and came up with the following list:
But ready or not, the birthday came and went and as for celebration, I had a great day...it was relaxing and fun, with good conversation, good food, and a good friend!
However, despite my lack of enthusiasm at yet another year added to my age, I found myself thinking about what I wish for my life in the year ahead and came up with the following list:
- I wish to become more like Ruth (Bible figure), which means loving and serving others more, walking with humility and having faith that God is in control and will work everything out, even when all odds may suggest otherwise.
- I wish to be a positive influence in the lives of the Oasis boys, which could include helping lead a boy into a relationship with Christ or speaking Truth into their lives, but ultimately providing hope and love that allows for the healing they need.
- I wish to learn more Spanish and to be able to speak more confidently and clearly.
- I would love to go on a date and be excited about the possibility of dating a man of God. (I've downgraded this wish over the years from "marriage and childen" to "a date." :) But please don't tell the Mexican pastors about this or they will excitedly ramp up all efforts, which would scare me!)
- I desire to practice more self-discipline and self-control. I once read a quote, that has stayed with me, that said "I am not a man controlled by my urges." I was immediately convicted by that thinking over how many times I allow my urges (sweets, things, etc) to control what I do. The areas I specifically want to focus on is time with the Lord (both daily and Sabbath) and monitoring food choices (less sugar, carbs, fat).
Friday, March 14
*TWANG*
My sister asked me what was my favorite/most-impacting lesson from Colorado. Then when I finished sharing about conflict, she asked about the next favorite.
Near the beginning of our time there, in the midst of our language learning weeks, we were given these wonderful short devotional-like lessons on adjustments to different cultures. One such lesson required a male volunteer who was bequeathed the name "Mr. Feelings." Mr. Feelings represents my feelings. Pretty simple.
Pretty soon one elastic colorful band was put around his waist, with two people holding onto it, on each side of him. They were instructed to pull the elastic band tight. This band represents expectations versus reality. At times our expectations may be greater than reality and therefore when reality is different than our expectations...TWANG...the elastic band snaps against our feelings.
But that isn't all. Another elastic band was placed around Mr. Feelings' waist, this one representing the paradox "Yay duck" and "Yuck duck," which as mentioned before, represents how in any situation we can and will have moments where we like one thing but dislike another thing. At times, it may be more Yuck than Yay...but even then, it's okay. It's good to acknowledge those feelings while they are present. But the Yuck-duck-moments still produce that TWANG...and your feelings are impacted.
Before Mr. Feelings could react a third elastic band was put around his waist. This time, it reflected wanting change or not wanting change. Naturally this comes through our desires and is connected to our feelings. TWANG goes the rope any time something comes your way that you don't want. TWANG goes the rope any time something you do want doesn't work out according to your expectations.
The last elastic band was placed around him, making the circle of volunteers, holding the bands around of Mr. Feelings, complete. This final band signifies other people's expectations on us, whether it is members of our families, friends, church, supporters, those we are ministering to, etc....As we fail to meet someone's expectations...TWANG! TWANG! And our feelings can be bruised from the repercussions of that!
These TWANGS happen naturally, whether overseas or at home. So how do we handle these TWANGS? Well, we need to recognize that they are there...ignoring doesn't help. Then understand what you are feeling, and where there are core issues, work those out, if possible. They can be worked out through prayer, talking with friends, or readjusting our own viewpoints. Regardless, God is there to help...the Creator of our feelings!
Near the beginning of our time there, in the midst of our language learning weeks, we were given these wonderful short devotional-like lessons on adjustments to different cultures. One such lesson required a male volunteer who was bequeathed the name "Mr. Feelings." Mr. Feelings represents my feelings. Pretty simple.
Pretty soon one elastic colorful band was put around his waist, with two people holding onto it, on each side of him. They were instructed to pull the elastic band tight. This band represents expectations versus reality. At times our expectations may be greater than reality and therefore when reality is different than our expectations...TWANG...the elastic band snaps against our feelings.
But that isn't all. Another elastic band was placed around Mr. Feelings' waist, this one representing the paradox "Yay duck" and "Yuck duck," which as mentioned before, represents how in any situation we can and will have moments where we like one thing but dislike another thing. At times, it may be more Yuck than Yay...but even then, it's okay. It's good to acknowledge those feelings while they are present. But the Yuck-duck-moments still produce that TWANG...and your feelings are impacted.
Before Mr. Feelings could react a third elastic band was put around his waist. This time, it reflected wanting change or not wanting change. Naturally this comes through our desires and is connected to our feelings. TWANG goes the rope any time something comes your way that you don't want. TWANG goes the rope any time something you do want doesn't work out according to your expectations.
The last elastic band was placed around him, making the circle of volunteers, holding the bands around of Mr. Feelings, complete. This final band signifies other people's expectations on us, whether it is members of our families, friends, church, supporters, those we are ministering to, etc....As we fail to meet someone's expectations...TWANG! TWANG! And our feelings can be bruised from the repercussions of that!
These TWANGS happen naturally, whether overseas or at home. So how do we handle these TWANGS? Well, we need to recognize that they are there...ignoring doesn't help. Then understand what you are feeling, and where there are core issues, work those out, if possible. They can be worked out through prayer, talking with friends, or readjusting our own viewpoints. Regardless, God is there to help...the Creator of our feelings!
Sunday, March 2
Not just a little
Don't you love it when God sends a reoccurring theme your way?
Today at church the message was from John 15:1-17...the whole "I am the true vine" passage. But the verse that stood out to me is verse 7:
And then I did a Bible Study lesson which referenced Luke 18:1-8, the parable of the widow who goes persistently before a judge until he complies with her request.
Plus a verse I have been mentally chewing on for some time is Ephesians 3:20:
Bottom line: God loves to give and not just a little. He loves to give big! He loves to bless His children.
Before you get frustrated, I know that there is always the question that if God loves to give and promises to give, then why hasn't He answered my heart's cry? Honestly, I don't know...I'm not God. But I have to assume that even if it doesn't seem that He is working, I can have faith that He is! I can also have faith that He loves to hear my requests and will answer each one, in His good time, according to His good plan!
So I've decided to enter a season of committing to ask big. I'm going to ask for miraculous healings, which my eyes have never yet witnessed. I'm going to ask for spouses (one for me and for a few of my friends). I'm going to pray for salvation, and finances, and jobs, and whatever else may seem hard or "impossible" because I know my God is able.
Today at church the message was from John 15:1-17...the whole "I am the true vine" passage. But the verse that stood out to me is verse 7:
"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish,
and it will be done for you."
And then I did a Bible Study lesson which referenced Luke 18:1-8, the parable of the widow who goes persistently before a judge until he complies with her request.
Plus a verse I have been mentally chewing on for some time is Ephesians 3:20:
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine..."
Bottom line: God loves to give and not just a little. He loves to give big! He loves to bless His children.
Before you get frustrated, I know that there is always the question that if God loves to give and promises to give, then why hasn't He answered my heart's cry? Honestly, I don't know...I'm not God. But I have to assume that even if it doesn't seem that He is working, I can have faith that He is! I can also have faith that He loves to hear my requests and will answer each one, in His good time, according to His good plan!
So I've decided to enter a season of committing to ask big. I'm going to ask for miraculous healings, which my eyes have never yet witnessed. I'm going to ask for spouses (one for me and for a few of my friends). I'm going to pray for salvation, and finances, and jobs, and whatever else may seem hard or "impossible" because I know my God is able.
Saturday, March 1
Paradox
For every situation there can be two points of view. Two sets of emotions.
I'm currently in Colorado going through a set of training. I am so grateful that I'm here. I'm learning a lot and I'm meeting many great folks. But it has also been tiring and emotional.
When I was in Mexico, there were days I loved what I was doing and where I was, and there were other days when I wanted to drive home to Washington.
Two thoughts. Two feelings. Both occasionally present at the same time. Paradox.
At this training, they have shared that paradox is normal. They used two rubber ducks (a pair of ducks...pair-a-duc...paradox, get it??). One duck was nice and shiny with a friendly happy face. This was the "yay duck!" Then there was the duck that had seen better days. It was messy and worn...this was the "yuck duck!"
We were encouraged to understand that wherever we go there will be good times (yay duck!) and bad times (yuck duck!). And both are okay. Moreover, whether it's a feeling or experience, it's good to validate both the highs and lows as they are a very real part of our experience.
And in that, there's grace. For yourself and for each other.
I'm currently in Colorado going through a set of training. I am so grateful that I'm here. I'm learning a lot and I'm meeting many great folks. But it has also been tiring and emotional.
When I was in Mexico, there were days I loved what I was doing and where I was, and there were other days when I wanted to drive home to Washington.
Two thoughts. Two feelings. Both occasionally present at the same time. Paradox.
At this training, they have shared that paradox is normal. They used two rubber ducks (a pair of ducks...pair-a-duc...paradox, get it??). One duck was nice and shiny with a friendly happy face. This was the "yay duck!" Then there was the duck that had seen better days. It was messy and worn...this was the "yuck duck!"
We were encouraged to understand that wherever we go there will be good times (yay duck!) and bad times (yuck duck!). And both are okay. Moreover, whether it's a feeling or experience, it's good to validate both the highs and lows as they are a very real part of our experience.
And in that, there's grace. For yourself and for each other.
Thursday, November 7
Highlights from the last two months
To give you a sense as to what I've been up to, I thought I'd share a few highlights:
I think that is all for now. Hope you have a blessed day!
- I have been able to Skype twice with my Oasis friends and boys. That has been a lovely blessing although both times I have felt a bit homesick for them afterwards.
- My friends and I had a taco night at which I was asked to teach my friends how to make homemade tortillas. The tortillas turned out beautifully. The tacos were delicious. The fellowship was great!
- Coffee dates with friends. Coffee. Friends. Win-win!
- Reconnecting with my church. There are many new people and so it has been great to meet some new people, while seeing other friends. Also having sermons and song time in English has been lovely.
- Speaking of which, the sermon series that my pastor is taking us through. It is a series on the book and person of Nehemiah. Most weeks I walk away thinking that the sermon is so applicable to where I am in life: knowing what passions God has given me, praying, waiting, and speaking when the opportunity arises. It's been nice to have my heart for Mexico, especially the Oasis boys, reaffirmed through the sermon.
- While in town, I am staying with a dear friend and her husband. She was my mentor for two years, I think, through which a great friendship developed. She and her husband graciously opened up their house for the 4 months (!!) that I am in WA. It has been not only a blessing but fun as well.
I think that is all for now. Hope you have a blessed day!
Wednesday, November 6
Two months
Hey Hey...I'm here, writing! (Hi Mom!)
I left Mexico two months ago to return home to Washington. Since arriving home, I had a few interviews and was just recently approved to return to Mexico as an Envision Site Associate...the "long-term staff" title. So now I am in the process of raising support in order to return.
If you know anything about the Christian & Missionary Alliance, you know that they pay their missionaries from a general fund that most church across the USA gives to. Therefore, missionaries don't have to raise support but rather can go out into their fields and do the work. However, even though Envision is part of the C&MA, the C&MA has decided that all Envision missionaries have to raise their own support. So I'm here...waiting and praying and sharing.
In addition to raising support, I am also ankle deep in Consecration...a 3-year long process that is like ordination. Well, technically it's not "like ordination;" it is ordination, however only guys (in the C&MA) are ordained...women are consecrated. *shrug shoulders* Anywhooo, this process includes much book reading, report writing and paper writing.
The rest of my time is filled with family commitments, getting together with people, going to the gym, and occasionally working at my previous job. There are days when I feel like I am drowning in commitments and just wish to shake it all off and start driving south.
Is it a surprise that I'm a bit homesick for Mexico? That being said, I have also enjoyed being in WA and reconnecting with friends, family, and my church. Blessings here, blessings there. God is good.
There's more I can share...and I'll my best to get some of those things down, sooner than later.
I left Mexico two months ago to return home to Washington. Since arriving home, I had a few interviews and was just recently approved to return to Mexico as an Envision Site Associate...the "long-term staff" title. So now I am in the process of raising support in order to return.
If you know anything about the Christian & Missionary Alliance, you know that they pay their missionaries from a general fund that most church across the USA gives to. Therefore, missionaries don't have to raise support but rather can go out into their fields and do the work. However, even though Envision is part of the C&MA, the C&MA has decided that all Envision missionaries have to raise their own support. So I'm here...waiting and praying and sharing.
In addition to raising support, I am also ankle deep in Consecration...a 3-year long process that is like ordination. Well, technically it's not "like ordination;" it is ordination, however only guys (in the C&MA) are ordained...women are consecrated. *shrug shoulders* Anywhooo, this process includes much book reading, report writing and paper writing.
The rest of my time is filled with family commitments, getting together with people, going to the gym, and occasionally working at my previous job. There are days when I feel like I am drowning in commitments and just wish to shake it all off and start driving south.
Is it a surprise that I'm a bit homesick for Mexico? That being said, I have also enjoyed being in WA and reconnecting with friends, family, and my church. Blessings here, blessings there. God is good.
There's more I can share...and I'll my best to get some of those things down, sooner than later.
Sunday, August 11
bittersweet.
He leaves today. After months of training and instruction. Changed. Strong. Healthy. A leader. Proven and trusted. Ready and excited. Ready to once again be a son, brother and friend. Ready to resume his education. Wanting to thrive. I thank God for this young man and feel overwhelmed with pride and joy.
I send him out. With hugs, prayers, a note, and with reminders of my love. I urge him to come back for a visit. Knowing that my arms will want to hug him. My eyes will want to see his face. My heart will want to hear him. But while his leaving is good, and after all, the goal of the program, I find my heart breaking.
I send him out. With hugs, prayers, a note, and with reminders of my love. I urge him to come back for a visit. Knowing that my arms will want to hug him. My eyes will want to see his face. My heart will want to hear him. But while his leaving is good, and after all, the goal of the program, I find my heart breaking.
Tuesday, August 6
Connectedness
I love(!!) the book of Ruth, in the Bible. If you want to get me excitedly talking, ask me why! But since I can't hear you, I'll tell you why! Yes, it's a romance story for all us swooners and day-dreamers, even though I'm sure Ruth would have hardly called that part of her life romantic, when she was going through it. But the romance is not what I love about it.
What I love is God's handiwork.
Boaz grew up in a home where his mom (Rahab) was also a "foreigner" who wanted to know and follow God, and was then welcomed into the community by Boaz' dad (Salmon). He probably grew up watching people react differently to mom, who in addition to being a foreigner was also a former prostitute, and also watching his dad love and protect his wife. This life scene prepared and shaped Boaz for his own wife.
God brought, into his own fields, a young foreign woman, who wanted to know and follow God. And while foreigners had been known to be abused, Boaz quickly tells his workers to protect her. I think immediately his heart went out to her, not only because he heard that Ruth was taking care of his cousin Naomi, but also because she was humble foreigner looking for a way to survive in this new land.
I love the fact that long before Ruth existed or even Boaz existed, God was at work...preparing and orchestrating. Since all of time is but a moment to God, He worked in Rahab and Salmon's lives, which affected Boaz and Ruth's lives, and then these "simple" stories set the scene for King David and even Jesus, Himself. All the same family...all individuals used by God to accomplish His purposes.
Years ago, I took a Strength Finders test. My number one strength is Connectedness. I can see how the past, present, and future are connected. All of it is important because all of us have a role to play. Spiritually, it is easy for me to understand this strength because it allows me to marvel and what God has done, is doing and will do! Plus, it reassures me that my simple life is part of something much greater than I can even fathom. Personally, in regards to work/ministry/general life, I'm still learning how Connectedness can be an asset to myself and others. I suppose I can try to be a voice of hope to others that their lives matter and count for something, even if they can't see it.
What I love is God's handiwork.
Boaz grew up in a home where his mom (Rahab) was also a "foreigner" who wanted to know and follow God, and was then welcomed into the community by Boaz' dad (Salmon). He probably grew up watching people react differently to mom, who in addition to being a foreigner was also a former prostitute, and also watching his dad love and protect his wife. This life scene prepared and shaped Boaz for his own wife.
God brought, into his own fields, a young foreign woman, who wanted to know and follow God. And while foreigners had been known to be abused, Boaz quickly tells his workers to protect her. I think immediately his heart went out to her, not only because he heard that Ruth was taking care of his cousin Naomi, but also because she was humble foreigner looking for a way to survive in this new land.
I love the fact that long before Ruth existed or even Boaz existed, God was at work...preparing and orchestrating. Since all of time is but a moment to God, He worked in Rahab and Salmon's lives, which affected Boaz and Ruth's lives, and then these "simple" stories set the scene for King David and even Jesus, Himself. All the same family...all individuals used by God to accomplish His purposes.
Years ago, I took a Strength Finders test. My number one strength is Connectedness. I can see how the past, present, and future are connected. All of it is important because all of us have a role to play. Spiritually, it is easy for me to understand this strength because it allows me to marvel and what God has done, is doing and will do! Plus, it reassures me that my simple life is part of something much greater than I can even fathom. Personally, in regards to work/ministry/general life, I'm still learning how Connectedness can be an asset to myself and others. I suppose I can try to be a voice of hope to others that their lives matter and count for something, even if they can't see it.
Thursday, August 1
Treasures
There's a Bible verse I have thought of a couple times while being here in Mexico:
This verse occurs after Jesus' birth and a crowd of shepherds came, almost as if drawn in by magnets, to see and worship this new baby. They also shared about the choir of angels that told them of Jesus' birth.
I have thought of this particular verse because there have been a few key moments where I have fully understood this verse. Like today. And yet, there is a part of me that fears I will forget the treasures. I have such a poor memory. Details get fuzzy and then my stories become long as I try to figure them out while talking. It can be quite humorous.
But today, this sweet boy asked me if he can call me Mama.
Even hours later, I want to weep. Weep because I'm so touched that he asked and that he wants to call me Mama and that he is offering his love to me. Weep because my heart has longed to be a Mama forever, and now there is a child who wants to call me (ME!!) that.
But I also want to weep because I know that he has recently been rejected by his own mama, and I DO NOT understand how a mama can do that. How can a mama tell her son that she doesn't want to see him ever again...that he can live at the Oasis Boy's Home until he's 18 (4 more years) and then be left to fend for himself? What happened to cause this sadness? I have no answers...all I can do is pray for healing within this family.
But in the meanwhile, I want to treasure the gift that I was blessed with today. I wanted to write down this gift so that the details don't become blurry or forgotten altogether.
"But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart" Luke 2:19
This verse occurs after Jesus' birth and a crowd of shepherds came, almost as if drawn in by magnets, to see and worship this new baby. They also shared about the choir of angels that told them of Jesus' birth.
I have thought of this particular verse because there have been a few key moments where I have fully understood this verse. Like today. And yet, there is a part of me that fears I will forget the treasures. I have such a poor memory. Details get fuzzy and then my stories become long as I try to figure them out while talking. It can be quite humorous.
But today, this sweet boy asked me if he can call me Mama.
Even hours later, I want to weep. Weep because I'm so touched that he asked and that he wants to call me Mama and that he is offering his love to me. Weep because my heart has longed to be a Mama forever, and now there is a child who wants to call me (ME!!) that.
But I also want to weep because I know that he has recently been rejected by his own mama, and I DO NOT understand how a mama can do that. How can a mama tell her son that she doesn't want to see him ever again...that he can live at the Oasis Boy's Home until he's 18 (4 more years) and then be left to fend for himself? What happened to cause this sadness? I have no answers...all I can do is pray for healing within this family.
But in the meanwhile, I want to treasure the gift that I was blessed with today. I wanted to write down this gift so that the details don't become blurry or forgotten altogether.
Monday, July 1
him and me
“I just don’t understand,” started the conversation between myself and my friends. “I just don’t understand how he can consider you to be like his dad and mom and yet he rebels and resists and chooses to not submit.”
As soon as the words slipped out, I was reminded that this is how my relationship with God can be.
Just as my story is yet from being over, there is more for this boy. Just as my life has been marked by Love, so has his…only he has yet to understand that! And for that, with renewed humility, I pray.
As soon as the words slipped out, I was reminded that this is how my relationship with God can be.
- God: my Father, whom I love, who is very important to me and has changed my life.
- Me: the child, who still wants to do my own thing, who still wants to reject and resist and not submit to the will of the Father.
Just as my story is yet from being over, there is more for this boy. Just as my life has been marked by Love, so has his…only he has yet to understand that! And for that, with renewed humility, I pray.
Wednesday, June 26
Things not commonly known about missionaries
Missionaries love people but can struggle with loneliness, especially within the first couple years as they are learning the language and starting to develop relationships. Loneliness can be very trying.
There are days when you want to hop in your car and drive away. And just keep driving until you either reach home or the closest airport to take you home, no looking back. To return to people who will receive you with hugs in a place that is familiar. I can't count how many times I've had this thought.
Homesickness can strike at any time, over any little thing. For example, taking your car to the shop and being frustrated over not fully understood or not being able to fully understand the mechanic. Will my car actually be fixed? Will I be ripped off? Does it have to be so hard?
The first year of ministry is the hardest and often the worst.
This is all I can come up with for the time being...definitely a "Debbie-downer" post.
There are days when you want to hop in your car and drive away. And just keep driving until you either reach home or the closest airport to take you home, no looking back. To return to people who will receive you with hugs in a place that is familiar. I can't count how many times I've had this thought.
Homesickness can strike at any time, over any little thing. For example, taking your car to the shop and being frustrated over not fully understood or not being able to fully understand the mechanic. Will my car actually be fixed? Will I be ripped off? Does it have to be so hard?
The first year of ministry is the hardest and often the worst.
This is all I can come up with for the time being...definitely a "Debbie-downer" post.
Thursday, June 6
Cordially invited to grieve
I know that I go on and on about the Oasis Boy's home and how much I love it and how much the ministry, the leaders, and the boys (oh-the-boys!) have become engraved in my heart. It is my happy place...I love just being there. And I love how whenever I go there, the boys will ask if I am going to sleep there (since I've spent the night a few times). I love when unknown new boys become another Oasis boy I adore. I love realizing that some of the boys have undergone this seemingly overnight transformation, getting taller, leaner, and older looking. I love hearing some of these boys, who each have different "scars and battle wounds", laugh fully and carefree. But there is one thing I dislike about the Oasis Boy's Home.
Oasis is a ministry which desires to transform troubled youth, through training and teaching, so that they can be rehabilitated back to their families and contribute positively to society. And the greater goal is that their lives may be transformed through the power and work of Jesus Christ.
So the goal of Oasis is to change lives so that they can go home. Away. From Oasis. Never to return (hopefully).
Which kind of stinks.
Actually, it stinks a whole heap.
I want them to stay at Oasis forever and ever.
My heart breaks whenever a boy runs away. And my heart grieves whenever a boy has completed the program and is allowed to leave. Will I see these boys again? Likely not, unless they get in trouble again and are sent back to Oasis.
I know that the grief is merely a sign that I have loved, but still...can I not just adopt them all as mine and keep them in my life forever? *sigh*
Oasis is a ministry which desires to transform troubled youth, through training and teaching, so that they can be rehabilitated back to their families and contribute positively to society. And the greater goal is that their lives may be transformed through the power and work of Jesus Christ.
So the goal of Oasis is to change lives so that they can go home. Away. From Oasis. Never to return (hopefully).
Which kind of stinks.
Actually, it stinks a whole heap.
I want them to stay at Oasis forever and ever.
My heart breaks whenever a boy runs away. And my heart grieves whenever a boy has completed the program and is allowed to leave. Will I see these boys again? Likely not, unless they get in trouble again and are sent back to Oasis.
I know that the grief is merely a sign that I have loved, but still...can I not just adopt them all as mine and keep them in my life forever? *sigh*
Tuesday, May 21
Get movin', for pete's sake!
There are a number of Bible verses that offer encouragement, "feel-goodness," and can become like a mantra or battle cry in the midst of life's struggles. One such verse is Exodus 14:14:
A great verse and a great reminder. I have offered this verse to my friends and family when life's situations have warranted such a reminder.The context of this verse is that the Hebrews have just left Egypt and are now being pursued by Pharaoh, who wants his slaves back. But the Israelites find them blocked by an Egyptian sea, with seemingly no where to go. So Moses speaks those previous powerful words.
And yet, just the other day I read verse 15.
In other words, don't just stand there crying...get a move on it! I had to smile when I read this verse because it reminds me of my own parents. For example, if I ever had a headache or felt ill and mentioned that to my mom, the response would be "go take some medicine!" and not the coddling I was looking for! And this is what I feel God is doing to Israel, in a way.
Silence does not mean do nothing! The silence I believe that is mentioned in verse 14 has to do with being silent and quiet in your heart and thoughts because you have faith that God is present and working and greater than ANY difficulty you face. But God's command to the Israelites is to keep moving. Yes, for them that meant walking towards the sea and maybe that appeared to them as a "certain death." But if they stood around and were "silent" with inactivity, then the ONLY option would have been death or slavery. So God said to move forward...not back towards Egypt, because He wants to give us freedom from our bondage. And it was at the water's edge (I would guess that likely the Israelite's minds were full of confusion, fear, and insecurities) that God showed them the way to freedom, by parting the waters!
You see, God had freed the Hebrews from their Egyptian masters. And once again God was providing freedom and life to the Israelites. Our God is a God of freedom...just like with the Israelites, God wants to continually bring you life and a future filled with freedom from the bondages that had previously tied you down. This doesn't mean that there won't be difficulties...you too may face an "impossible" situation with your enemies pressing down on you and your back against a sea but know that God wants you to keep moving forward and HE will provide your freedom. Just trust him and wait to be amazed!
"The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."
A great verse and a great reminder. I have offered this verse to my friends and family when life's situations have warranted such a reminder.The context of this verse is that the Hebrews have just left Egypt and are now being pursued by Pharaoh, who wants his slaves back. But the Israelites find them blocked by an Egyptian sea, with seemingly no where to go. So Moses speaks those previous powerful words.
And yet, just the other day I read verse 15.
Then the Lord said to Moses, "Why are you crying out to Me? Tell the sons of Israel to go forward."
In other words, don't just stand there crying...get a move on it! I had to smile when I read this verse because it reminds me of my own parents. For example, if I ever had a headache or felt ill and mentioned that to my mom, the response would be "go take some medicine!" and not the coddling I was looking for! And this is what I feel God is doing to Israel, in a way.
Silence does not mean do nothing! The silence I believe that is mentioned in verse 14 has to do with being silent and quiet in your heart and thoughts because you have faith that God is present and working and greater than ANY difficulty you face. But God's command to the Israelites is to keep moving. Yes, for them that meant walking towards the sea and maybe that appeared to them as a "certain death." But if they stood around and were "silent" with inactivity, then the ONLY option would have been death or slavery. So God said to move forward...not back towards Egypt, because He wants to give us freedom from our bondage. And it was at the water's edge (I would guess that likely the Israelite's minds were full of confusion, fear, and insecurities) that God showed them the way to freedom, by parting the waters!
You see, God had freed the Hebrews from their Egyptian masters. And once again God was providing freedom and life to the Israelites. Our God is a God of freedom...just like with the Israelites, God wants to continually bring you life and a future filled with freedom from the bondages that had previously tied you down. This doesn't mean that there won't be difficulties...you too may face an "impossible" situation with your enemies pressing down on you and your back against a sea but know that God wants you to keep moving forward and HE will provide your freedom. Just trust him and wait to be amazed!
Sunday, April 21
Thinking about grace
I have been thinking a lot of about grace in the last few months.
It occurs to me that I don't really know how to define grace. I know how to use it and can share examples of grace, but to say this is what it is...that is where I draw a blank.
I have felt grace when I have been really emotional and easily angered and my friends have asked me what is wrong, told me they pray for me, and offer to help. Or when another friend told me that she just assumed I was dealing with transitional stuff, having only been here less than a year, which was exactly what I needed to hear but hadn't occurred to me until she said it.
I have felt grace in gifts from others that have touched and amazed and exceeded far more than what I imagined.
I have felt grace from Mexican friends as they have oh-so-patiently listened to me oh-so-slowly put together a spanish sentence and when they provide the word I am missing or stumbling over or in how they continually and lovingly try to engage me in conversation even when they know I am by no means fluent.
I have felt grace by family and friends who supported me and have cheered me on even if coming to Mexico wasn't on the top 10 list of places of where they'd like me to go, just because they know that I was going where God was leading.
I feel flooded with grace whenever whenever I think about the Lord and how He has blessed me so much over the years despite the fact that I have not been as faithful as I should have been or as grateful as I should have been.
I just recalled that from Sunday School days, we were told "Grace is getting what we don't deserve." Looking back over what I just shared, I guess that is close...grace takes the form of blessings when we haven't earned it, love despite our selfish moments, friendships despite being too busy, acceptance despite our shortcomings, and encouragement when we deserve a rebuke.
Not to be at all confused with mercy, which I feel I can easily wrap my mind around...forgiveness when we deserve punishment. Maybe a working definition that I can start with is that "Grace is gifts that we haven't earned."
It occurs to me that I don't really know how to define grace. I know how to use it and can share examples of grace, but to say this is what it is...that is where I draw a blank.
I have felt grace when I have been really emotional and easily angered and my friends have asked me what is wrong, told me they pray for me, and offer to help. Or when another friend told me that she just assumed I was dealing with transitional stuff, having only been here less than a year, which was exactly what I needed to hear but hadn't occurred to me until she said it.
I have felt grace in gifts from others that have touched and amazed and exceeded far more than what I imagined.
I have felt grace from Mexican friends as they have oh-so-patiently listened to me oh-so-slowly put together a spanish sentence and when they provide the word I am missing or stumbling over or in how they continually and lovingly try to engage me in conversation even when they know I am by no means fluent.
I have felt grace by family and friends who supported me and have cheered me on even if coming to Mexico wasn't on the top 10 list of places of where they'd like me to go, just because they know that I was going where God was leading.
I feel flooded with grace whenever whenever I think about the Lord and how He has blessed me so much over the years despite the fact that I have not been as faithful as I should have been or as grateful as I should have been.
I just recalled that from Sunday School days, we were told "Grace is getting what we don't deserve." Looking back over what I just shared, I guess that is close...grace takes the form of blessings when we haven't earned it, love despite our selfish moments, friendships despite being too busy, acceptance despite our shortcomings, and encouragement when we deserve a rebuke.
Not to be at all confused with mercy, which I feel I can easily wrap my mind around...forgiveness when we deserve punishment. Maybe a working definition that I can start with is that "Grace is gifts that we haven't earned."
Friday, April 19
Water? or Something else?
Every culture has it's unique terminology. Words that are considered normal but are not universally applied the same way, even between countries that use the same language.
One thing I have learned down here in Mexico is that they use the word agua (water) for both water and juice (jugo). Can we say awkward? Someone asks if you want agua and then they give you juice! Or last summer, at one event we had both juice and water. I believe I even asked the kid if he wanted juice or water. He responded water so I gave him water. But his look of surprise told me that he wanted juice.
Or this past Tuesday, my friend Erin and I had a girl's day, up in San Diego, with three of our Mexican friends. Erin made the comment at the hotel, "there's strawberry water if you're thirsty." The eyes of all three of our friends lit up and they went to get some but starting laughing when they realized it was water, not juice like they were expecting.
It's not like the word jugo is hard to say...just as many syllables and letters. But agua it is.
Oh silly Mexico!
One thing I have learned down here in Mexico is that they use the word agua (water) for both water and juice (jugo). Can we say awkward? Someone asks if you want agua and then they give you juice! Or last summer, at one event we had both juice and water. I believe I even asked the kid if he wanted juice or water. He responded water so I gave him water. But his look of surprise told me that he wanted juice.
Or this past Tuesday, my friend Erin and I had a girl's day, up in San Diego, with three of our Mexican friends. Erin made the comment at the hotel, "there's strawberry water if you're thirsty." The eyes of all three of our friends lit up and they went to get some but starting laughing when they realized it was water, not juice like they were expecting.
It's not like the word jugo is hard to say...just as many syllables and letters. But agua it is.
Oh silly Mexico!
Monday, April 15
Just because you know a Spanish word doesn't mean you know the correct word!
Who doesn't like to hear language blunders from people who live overseas?!?! People who say one word, thinking it is correct, only to find out that it is wrong...sometimes very wrong. And the more wrong it is, the funnier the story is, usually.
On a scale of 1-10, this story won't be a 10, although my most embarrassing moment, which also happens to involve spanish, was about a 9...but I'd rather not post that story here at this time.
Anyhow, this story takes place in Tijuana, last week.
We were constructing a 20x20 addition to a house that will be used to provide care and housing for individuals who have been deported from the United States. Ofttimes people are dumped off at the border without extra clothes, necessities, and any place to go. Their birth home may be 4-5 days away, depending where in Mexico they are from, but they are still taken to Tijuana and let go. Then they are vulnerable to crime or other awful situations, which is what this house ministry hopes to prevent. Anyway...my funny story...so in the back of this house there is a peach tree that was getting in the way of the roof we were trying to construct. My friend Brian asked for a rope...so I meandered across the street to ask the neighboring pastors, Roberto and Bety, if they had a rope.
As soon as I saw Bety, I asked (in spanish) if she had a rope...only I said, "tienes una ropa?" She looked at me a bit quizzically and asked if the ropa was for me to which I said yes. Then she said she thought she had some and went inside her house. She came out holding a bag of clothes at which point I remembered that ropa means clothes. I started laughing and quickly told her no, sorry, I need this (and pointed to her rope clothesline). She started laughing and went to get me a rope. I asked her, "how do you say this?" The answer: Un lasso. As I walked away, both Bety and I were still laughing.
I doubt I will be forgetting lasso any time soon!
On a scale of 1-10, this story won't be a 10, although my most embarrassing moment, which also happens to involve spanish, was about a 9...but I'd rather not post that story here at this time.
Anyhow, this story takes place in Tijuana, last week.
We were constructing a 20x20 addition to a house that will be used to provide care and housing for individuals who have been deported from the United States. Ofttimes people are dumped off at the border without extra clothes, necessities, and any place to go. Their birth home may be 4-5 days away, depending where in Mexico they are from, but they are still taken to Tijuana and let go. Then they are vulnerable to crime or other awful situations, which is what this house ministry hopes to prevent. Anyway...my funny story...so in the back of this house there is a peach tree that was getting in the way of the roof we were trying to construct. My friend Brian asked for a rope...so I meandered across the street to ask the neighboring pastors, Roberto and Bety, if they had a rope.
As soon as I saw Bety, I asked (in spanish) if she had a rope...only I said, "tienes una ropa?" She looked at me a bit quizzically and asked if the ropa was for me to which I said yes. Then she said she thought she had some and went inside her house. She came out holding a bag of clothes at which point I remembered that ropa means clothes. I started laughing and quickly told her no, sorry, I need this (and pointed to her rope clothesline). She started laughing and went to get me a rope. I asked her, "how do you say this?" The answer: Un lasso. As I walked away, both Bety and I were still laughing.
I doubt I will be forgetting lasso any time soon!
Saturday, April 13
Gracias a Dios
This week I had the opportunity to share prayer, and bread, and oranges, and laughter with a Mexican woman named Gaby, and three of her kids.
I love going to people's houses to pray. There's a natural fellowship that takes place when we commune together with God and when we intercede on other's behalf to God. Plus, this woman is just delightful...she has a beautiful smile, bright eyes, and a pleasant, serving disposition.
We asked Gaby what we could pray about and she began sharing about a couple of her kids (she has about 5-6, I can't remember the exact number). She shared a common prayer request that her 19 year old son would find a job...a request that came up regularly in our home visits. There isn't enough jobs in Tijuana (or the rest of Mexico) to support the need, even for those with education. But as she was sharing, she made a comment that has stuck with me.
As she shared, she mentioned that her son didn't have a job, "gracias a Dios," which means "Thanks to God." I heard and understood her but figured I didn't understand her meaning...was she thankful her son didn't have a job and if so, why? Thankfully, the woman translating was equally confused over her meaning and questioned it..."why thanks to God? are you thankful he doesn't have a job?" To which she said, it isn't about whether or not her son has a job but the importance of giving thanks to God in all circumstances (my paraphrase). Give thanks to God in the rainy seasons and in the sunny seasons. When walking through seasons of blessings or seasons of hardships. Whether your prayers are being answered the way you desire or not, thanks to God.
A beautiful reminder. A great lesson to learn.
Gracias a Dios.
Thanks to God.
For everything.
All the time.
I love going to people's houses to pray. There's a natural fellowship that takes place when we commune together with God and when we intercede on other's behalf to God. Plus, this woman is just delightful...she has a beautiful smile, bright eyes, and a pleasant, serving disposition.
We asked Gaby what we could pray about and she began sharing about a couple of her kids (she has about 5-6, I can't remember the exact number). She shared a common prayer request that her 19 year old son would find a job...a request that came up regularly in our home visits. There isn't enough jobs in Tijuana (or the rest of Mexico) to support the need, even for those with education. But as she was sharing, she made a comment that has stuck with me.
As she shared, she mentioned that her son didn't have a job, "gracias a Dios," which means "Thanks to God." I heard and understood her but figured I didn't understand her meaning...was she thankful her son didn't have a job and if so, why? Thankfully, the woman translating was equally confused over her meaning and questioned it..."why thanks to God? are you thankful he doesn't have a job?" To which she said, it isn't about whether or not her son has a job but the importance of giving thanks to God in all circumstances (my paraphrase). Give thanks to God in the rainy seasons and in the sunny seasons. When walking through seasons of blessings or seasons of hardships. Whether your prayers are being answered the way you desire or not, thanks to God.
A beautiful reminder. A great lesson to learn.
Gracias a Dios.
Thanks to God.
For everything.
All the time.
Friday, March 15
Lesson from an art museum
I went to an art museum today in Ensenada, Mexico. It was pretty cool...there was some great art. There was one, not one I was enchanted with, but one where I immediately thought "I wish I could take a picture and blog about this." But in my oh-so-American mind frame, pictures were off-limits. Until I found out while we were leaving that they were, in fact, allowed.
So imagine my joy when I found out that my friend took a photo of this exact one. Without further ado:
What you can't know until you are up close to it. This figure is knitted out of paper. And on the paper is an unending list of names.
This got me thinking about of all the names that touch our lives and make us who we are. I immediately wondered what names would be on my knitted paper figure and names came flooding to my mind.
People from my childhood. People from school. College. Work. People who moved to my area and have since moved away. People who touched my life for a day, or year, or a lifetime. Friends I've had since kindergarten and friends I had for a season. Different cultures. Different languages. But they touched my life just the same. Blessings in the form of individuals who have taught me grace, patience, love oh-so-much love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, communication, sacrifice, looking to God, how to trust others, how to think better of others, how to laugh more, how the world isn't so black-n-white, how I am capable of creating change and being a blessing to others, and so much more!
I knew in that minute that if I tried to list all the people who have shaped me, I too would have enough to knit a person, like in the photo.
So imagine my joy when I found out that my friend took a photo of this exact one. Without further ado:
What you can't know until you are up close to it. This figure is knitted out of paper. And on the paper is an unending list of names.
This got me thinking about of all the names that touch our lives and make us who we are. I immediately wondered what names would be on my knitted paper figure and names came flooding to my mind.
People from my childhood. People from school. College. Work. People who moved to my area and have since moved away. People who touched my life for a day, or year, or a lifetime. Friends I've had since kindergarten and friends I had for a season. Different cultures. Different languages. But they touched my life just the same. Blessings in the form of individuals who have taught me grace, patience, love oh-so-much love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, communication, sacrifice, looking to God, how to trust others, how to think better of others, how to laugh more, how the world isn't so black-n-white, how I am capable of creating change and being a blessing to others, and so much more!
I knew in that minute that if I tried to list all the people who have shaped me, I too would have enough to knit a person, like in the photo.
Tuesday, March 12
Single in my 30's
Being single in your 30's is different, in several ways, than being single in your 20's. This idea and my thoughts on my singleness have been rolling around in my head over the last week or two, as my next birthday looms ahead of me, in a couple months.
As I once again shared my pain-filled heart with a dear friend, I wrote her the following:
I forget how it was worded but an intern girl made a comment this summer that she'll be married by 25...or something like that. She is a young thing (19 or 20 yrs old). When I heard her, I asked her what if God has other plans, to which she responded along the lines "I'm pretty sure I won't be single when I'm 30." To which I responded, "I never planned to be single in my 30's either."
Do you get tired my singleness emails?
I hope that despite the fact that I ride a roller coaster of contentment and grief, that there is at least a growing maturity and a deepened faith in me. I feel that there is. While the grief still hits me in the gut from time to time, there is an assurance that anchors my heart and mind to the Lord. Who but my Beloved can I turn to, when I know that He hears and understands, more than any other?
Talking through my pain allows me to once again put myself in the faithful and trustworthy hands of God. He has never failed me yet.
Two days ago, I was talking with a dear single friend. I didn't set out that day to talk about singleness and contentment even though it was very much on my mind. However, it was on her mind as well and she instantly brought it up, allowing us to encourage each other for the next hour. Towards the end she said, "I don't know if you are blessed in your singleness but I am being blessed by your singleness." Tears rushed to my eyes and my heart sang "yes! yes Lord. This is what I want. I want my singleness to bring You glory as I continue to seek and wait on You."
I don't write all this to pat myself on the back...it's just to share my thoughts of a single 30+ woman who occasionally struggles but is learning to look to God.
As I once again shared my pain-filled heart with a dear friend, I wrote her the following:
I forget how it was worded but an intern girl made a comment this summer that she'll be married by 25...or something like that. She is a young thing (19 or 20 yrs old). When I heard her, I asked her what if God has other plans, to which she responded along the lines "I'm pretty sure I won't be single when I'm 30." To which I responded, "I never planned to be single in my 30's either."
Do you get tired my singleness emails?
I hope that despite the fact that I ride a roller coaster of contentment and grief, that there is at least a growing maturity and a deepened faith in me. I feel that there is. While the grief still hits me in the gut from time to time, there is an assurance that anchors my heart and mind to the Lord. Who but my Beloved can I turn to, when I know that He hears and understands, more than any other?
Talking through my pain allows me to once again put myself in the faithful and trustworthy hands of God. He has never failed me yet.
Two days ago, I was talking with a dear single friend. I didn't set out that day to talk about singleness and contentment even though it was very much on my mind. However, it was on her mind as well and she instantly brought it up, allowing us to encourage each other for the next hour. Towards the end she said, "I don't know if you are blessed in your singleness but I am being blessed by your singleness." Tears rushed to my eyes and my heart sang "yes! yes Lord. This is what I want. I want my singleness to bring You glory as I continue to seek and wait on You."
I don't write all this to pat myself on the back...it's just to share my thoughts of a single 30+ woman who occasionally struggles but is learning to look to God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)